This week I've realised I'm not just worried, I'm not just obsessing, I'm depressed. While most of the time I can put on a happy face and just keep going, every night and every morning I just have no motivation. My work is so busy right now, once I'm in the office I don't have time to think about anything. It also means pulling long days and whittling away most hope of me getting to the gym or getting out for a walk or something.
Physically my body is feeling a lot better without the drugs - but I'm simply not winning the mental game.
Early this week I had a quick read through some of the Queensland Fertility Group materials on coping with infertility. As I read through checklists of when to start upping the intervention and reproductive assistance, I started to question the wisdom in my three months off.
Last September when I first met with the fertility specialist, he gave me the fist full of blood test - but also a referral for a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This test sounds really unpleasant. It is designed to check if my fallopian tubes are open and clear and my uterus is the right shape. It involves filling my uterus with a liquid, and then the fluid flows through my fallopian tubes. The liquid is died - and they watch all of this through some type of x-ray machine.
Not surprisingly - I didn't rush in to get this done. I thought I'd just try and get knocked up and avoid the whole thing. I decided perhaps now, in my drug free months, I should get these sorts of tests done to make sure everything is operating as it should be. This particular test needs to be done early in the cycle - obviously to not interrupt the fertile part of the cycle.
On Monday I rang the hospital to make my appointment. Having only one window in my diary this week I was relieved I could get an appointment in the right time of my cycle. This afternoon I'm heading off to squirted full of coloured fluids. I remember the doctor told me at the time he recommended I get this test that it was unpleasant. Ugghhhhhhh....