Year of the Rabbit

Just over a week ago I bottomed out. It was the day after my horrible HSG test, I was physically in a bit of pain still and mentally I was worn thin.

The HSG test was even worse than I thought. It turns out that they put a balloon inside my uterus and blow it up. This forms a seal  over the cervix. They then squirt the coloured fluid through the fallopian tubes and watch to see if it splashes out the other end. When they were explaining this to me I mentioned how surprised I was to learn the fallopian tubes are open at the other end. I asked how does the egg know which way to go, why doesn't it just fall out the other side? The radiologist was guzumped. She had no idea and said she never really thought about it. I made some jokes about how perhaps that was my problem, my eggs were navigationally challenged, and perhaps I should have better signage installed.

Anyhow, in I went in my surgical gown and waited for a doctor to come and perform the test. The balloon part was incredibly uncomfortable, but all in all it must have only lasted a minute or two. The result was positive, in that I was diagnosed with full tubal patency. So no blockages and no reason why I shouldn't be able to get pregnant. A positive result feels good on one hand, nothing is wrong, and bad on the other, back to the drawing the board.

I'm not used to experiencing any period pain, so the next day or so is quite painful for me. By Friday afternoon I was hysterical. Something tipped me off and I couldn't stop crying. Matt doesn't know what to do when I'm like this and it makes matters worse. Eventually I calm down enough to stop crying and manage to get on with preparing for a weekend of celebrating for Matt's birthday.

Getting it all out on Friday night resulted in a much better night's sleep and a general improvement in my mood. I got organised with gifts and cards for Matt and was ready for the parties and gatherings planned over the rest of the weekend.

On Sunday Matt's sister and her family popped around for a bit of birthday celebrating. Matt suggested we go to Yum Cha at Sunnybank for lunch - which is one of his favourite things. It wasn't until we were driving in and saw how busy it was that I remembered Chinese New Year was being celebrated.

The wait for Yum Cha was even longer than usual, but it was a bit of an experience for everyone, with all the chinese decorations, a panda giving out fortune cookies and a percussion group playing xylophones. I decided to look up what year it was in Chinese horoscope and discovered, it is the year of the Rabbit - my very own Chinese horoscope.

I was so desperate to have a clean slate for our New Year, but it just hadn't felt that way. However last weekend, on the Friday night I had a complete emotional download and by Saturday I felt like I had cast out the negative and was again turning positive. Realising it was the year of the rabbit put me in an even better state of mind.

This past week has been much better for me. I had less hours in the office, I attended my initial meeting with the weight loss program and am looking at my options from here, I made my Wednesday night aqua class and Matt's birthday had been a success.

I'm thinking the year of the Rabbit could be my year after all.

Putting on a happy face

This week I've realised I'm not just worried, I'm not just obsessing, I'm depressed. While most of the time I can put on a happy face and just keep going, every night and every morning I just have no motivation. My work is so busy right now, once I'm in the office I don't have time to think about anything. It also means pulling long days and whittling away most hope of me getting to the gym or getting out for a walk or something.

Physically my body is feeling a lot better without the drugs - but I'm simply not winning the mental game.

Early this week I had a quick read through some of the Queensland Fertility Group materials on coping with infertility. As I read through checklists of when to start upping the intervention and reproductive assistance, I started to question the wisdom in my three months off.

Last September when I first met with the fertility specialist, he gave me the fist full of blood test - but also a referral for a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This test sounds really unpleasant. It is designed to check if my fallopian tubes are open and clear and my uterus is the right shape. It involves filling my uterus with a liquid, and then the fluid flows through my fallopian tubes. The liquid is died - and they watch all of this through some type of x-ray machine.

Not surprisingly - I didn't rush in to get this done. I thought I'd just try and get knocked up and avoid the whole thing. I decided perhaps now, in my drug free months, I should get these sorts of tests done to make sure everything is operating as it should be. This particular test needs to be done early in the cycle - obviously to not interrupt the fertile part of the cycle.

On Monday I rang the hospital to make my appointment. Having only one window in my diary this week I was relieved I could get an appointment in the right time of my cycle. This afternoon I'm heading off to squirted full of coloured fluids. I remember the doctor told me at the time he recommended I get this test that it was unpleasant. Ugghhhhhhh....