For the last couple of weeks I've just been getting on with it. Back to work. Hanging out at home on the weekend. Planning our annual beach holiday. Even with the terrible sadness of this miscarriage, in just a couple of weeks it feels like another blip and everything is again about next time.
I was so quickly getting back to normal that I almost forgot to follow up the results of the miscarriage to see if they could identify the cause. I did eventually remember and was a little surprised to hear that this time it wasn't trisomy. My fertility specialist explained it was probably still a genetic defect, but that looking for chromosome problems is like walking down the street and looking at houses to see which one isn't quite right, where as a genetic defect is like trying to find a faulty toaster in one of the houses, only you don't know what house has it, or what appliance is faulty. Basically, it is really hard to know where to look to find the problem, unless you know what you are looking for.
I decided I don't care. There is nothing I can do about it. Apparently some people find this result terrible unsatisfying. I however find the whole failing to successfully have a baby is a lot more dissatisfying, and can't see the point in dwelling on a faulty toaster.
I've made an appointment for Matt and I to go and see the specialist together toward the end of the month to discuss our best options at this point. We still have 5 frozen embryos, so I suspect it will simply be a case of transferring those, until:
a - we actually have a baby (which in my mind feels so strangely unachievable for a couple that appear exceptionally capable of getting pregnant) or
b - run out of embryos and need to decide if we will make more embryos.
Maybe I'll try and lose some more weight... Don't know that this will make any difference given that getting pregnant doesn't appear to be our problem. [On a side note - that damn biggest loser story line with Brenda trying to get pregnant for 8 years and her partner leaving her to start a family with someone else has been absolutely horrifying to me - so much so I can't watch the show - perhaps for another a post]
Next time perhaps we will be lucky. Next time maybe the embryo/s will be perfect and will develop as they should. Next time, next time....