With the triathlon ending, I decided I needed to put in place a new plan to help me stay on track with losing some weight in preparation for our next IVF attempt.
Actually that is altogether a bit too simple. Just before easter I started to go nutty - again - about how on earth I could possibly stay on track with trying to lose weight again. I know a lot of people have no trouble managing their weight and I'm a little embarrassed, even ashamed, that I just haven't ever been able to get a handle on it. I know it's not rocket science, eating chocolate and cakes + sitting on couch = weight gain. I understand the cause of the problem.
When I felt the dig at myself about my complete failure to get this part of life under some level of control get too strong, almost destructive, I decided it was time to talk it over with a psychologist. I simply wanted to talk about the problems I've had getting some long term thinking happening when infertility treatments drag you into week-to-week and month-to-month thinking. I want to achieve longer term thinking to help me stay focussed on the weight loss goals while doing infertility treatment.
The session with the psych was not what I expected and excellent. Firsty, apparently I'm not completely nutty and have managed to really set some good long term goals. Apparently infertility treatment is typified with the need for short term thinking and the fact that has happened is not surprising. I just need to acknowledge that is going to happen and accept that is a part of the process. Fair enough. In closing she suggested if I really want to do something about my weight I should see a specialist. Not just anyone, but someone who specialised in pregnancy weight management, perhaps someone recommended by Queensland Fertility Group (QFG).
QFG offer counselling support, but don't really have anything on the nutrition front. I hit the net, googling Brisbane dietician Pregnancy and found a few forums discussing the issue, in particular Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) boards. A name popped a few times, Desi. I tracked down and had my first appointment with Desi two weeks before the triathlon.
The best thing about seeing Desi is that she has told me that when I get pregnant I can still lose weight. She is often referred patients with PCOS to help them manage their weight during pregnancy. She said the goal would be to have my starting pregnancy weight and ending pregnancy weight be the same, which would mean I would effectively loose about 10 kilograms during the pregnancy. And once I have the baby, straight back into getting off whatever weight I have left to lose. This was like music to my ears. At last, long term weight loss thinking that included getting pregnant and having a baby. Every obstetrician I've seen has said weight gain is the goal. I even asked one (the first time I was pregnant) if I really should be aiming to gain 11-13 kilos given I had such a high starting weight - her response was, well perhaps just 8 kilos would be better.
With Desi's eating plan I've been doing really well on the weight loss front. I still find it hard to resist temptation that seems to present itself so often. I'm trying to find the right balance between saint like and sustainable when it comes to eating. It would a lot easier if I never had to leave the house, but that isn't really possible...
I've also been seeing an exercise physiologist in the same practice. I knew that keeping up my motivation to train after the triathlon ended would be difficult. My last appointment at the exercise physiologist we were talking about the result of the triathlon and he said a strange thing to me. He said given the results I'm getting I seem to have a reasonable base level of fitness, so it is surprising that I have managed to get to the size I am. Hmmmm, I'm pretty sure there is a compliment and an insult in that statement. I tried explaining to him that my natural preference was couch but that over the past few years I would do bouts of PT sessions or gym memberships, until the couch won me back again. I don't think this gave him much confidence.
The exercise physiologist got me to set a new training goal. I kept it pretty basic, 5 kilometre Bridge to Brisbane run in September, but I'm thinking of revisiting that. This week I've decided to give riding to work a go. You see, the best I've ever done at losing and keeping weight off (for longer - I still gained it all back eventually) was when I used to walk to and from work most days. The walk took me 35-40 minutes. I got to thinking, if I could get that amount of exercise built into my day again I would probably have a much better chance at success.
I did a full test run of the ride last weekend to make sure I'd be able to manage it and learned on the bike it is just under 14 kilometres from home to the office, it takes me around 55 minutes and it is pretty hard work in a number of places (requiring me to get off bike and push!). I've ridden to work Monday, Wednesday and Friday this week. It is still taking me 55 minutes, but I think it is getting easier. My new goal is to be to riding to work 5 days a week by July, and come spring (let's say October), I want to be riding to and from work most days (weather permitting - I need to see if this plan will be impacted by our hot hot hot summers).
I think my bike might be too small for me, which wasn't a problem when being ridden once or twice a week however now with regular, commute riding in mind I might need to trade it in (jeez, I just bought the damn thing!).
And by the way, my butt is killing me! It is going to have to toughen up if I'm going to be riding to and from work every day!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Triathlon triumph!
It's been along time since I've done something that wasn't work that I have been really proud of. Entering the enticer length triathlon definitely was well outside my comfort zone and having completed it I have felt exceptionally pleased with myself.
On the day I was the first in our team of 3 to do the course. I completed the 400 metre swim in 10:16 minutes, the 10 kilometre ride in 35:27 minutes and 4 kilometre run in 32:29 minutes. My following 2 team members were both faster than me, but it didn't matter. I'd done it.
Today I looked at the scores. Our team came in 951st place out of 966 teams. But what surprised me was the 22 teams that didn't finish and the 79 teams - of 3 people each - that didn't even start. I am now even more pleased with myself knowing that so many people set themselves the goal/challenge of running the triathlon and many do not finish and more don't even get started on the day.
Signing up for the triathlon did for me what I needed it to. It got me motivated to get up and exercise. It gave me a challenge that made me push myself into excercise I'd never committed to before (running!). And it helped me get started on losing some of the weight I want to lose.
I'm currently down about 7 kilograms from when I started triathlon training and well on the way to being my lowest weight in the many years of the baby making mission. I feel great about that but also, for the first time since it happened, I've been a little bummed that I don't have any fallopian tubes. No chance at getting knocked up without medical assistance. However, I reminded myself that no chance at natural conception has also meant that I've completely stopped worrying about trying to get pregnant ALL OF THE TIME, making me much more mentally stable generally.
I was initially planning to have a another crack at embryo transfers this month, but we are putting it off for at least another month, giving me some more time to knock of a few more kilos and top up the bank account.
I'm planning to keep up the training with a view to running the Bridge to Brisbane 5 kilometre run in September. I still dislike running - but I've been assured by my uber fit work colleagues that it will get easier. I hope so.
On the day I was the first in our team of 3 to do the course. I completed the 400 metre swim in 10:16 minutes, the 10 kilometre ride in 35:27 minutes and 4 kilometre run in 32:29 minutes. My following 2 team members were both faster than me, but it didn't matter. I'd done it.
Looking hot in my make shift triathlon outfit.
Signing up for the triathlon did for me what I needed it to. It got me motivated to get up and exercise. It gave me a challenge that made me push myself into excercise I'd never committed to before (running!). And it helped me get started on losing some of the weight I want to lose.
I'm currently down about 7 kilograms from when I started triathlon training and well on the way to being my lowest weight in the many years of the baby making mission. I feel great about that but also, for the first time since it happened, I've been a little bummed that I don't have any fallopian tubes. No chance at getting knocked up without medical assistance. However, I reminded myself that no chance at natural conception has also meant that I've completely stopped worrying about trying to get pregnant ALL OF THE TIME, making me much more mentally stable generally.
I was initially planning to have a another crack at embryo transfers this month, but we are putting it off for at least another month, giving me some more time to knock of a few more kilos and top up the bank account.
I'm planning to keep up the training with a view to running the Bridge to Brisbane 5 kilometre run in September. I still dislike running - but I've been assured by my uber fit work colleagues that it will get easier. I hope so.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
I do have good days
It has occurred to me over the past few weeks that people who primarily read my blog to follow what's happening in our fertility journey get a fairly uneven perspective on how I'm coping. My objective in writing the blog was about offering a factual record of the fertility process, for readers looking for details about what happens during assisted reproductive procedures, and to record how that made me feel. This is how I think when I'm writing the blog. As a result, I don't have a great day and think 'today was great - I should write a blog about it', but I do have lots of good days.
Right now I'm doing really well. I'm loving having a break from all things fertility. I'm surprised by how much better I feel having a little break. From time to time I wonder if I'm ever going to want to get back into it. But surely that is rational. So far my experience of fertility treatment is fairly traumatic, both physically and emotionally.
So let me tell you about my weekend - that I thoroughly enjoyed - and on several occasions I thought well I wouldn't be able to do this if we had kids. After Friday night at the footy I stayed up until midnight reading a book, therefore Saturday started with a sleep in! When I finally got up and I had a leisurely breakfast, I then promptly went back to bed to read more book! In the afternoon I broke it up a bit by watching a couple of episodes of a tv series with Matty, before heading back to bed to finish off the book. Saturday night was birthday party time for my sister and her flat mate. Instead of being restrained and going home early I a had a few (too many) drinks and eventually crawled under the covers at 2.45am. Sunday was steady, but I had a lovely catch up with a friend where I didn't look at the clock once, because I didn't have a schedule I needed to stick to whatsoever!
I do have good days even weeks, I just don't write about it much.
Right now I'm doing really well. I'm loving having a break from all things fertility. I'm surprised by how much better I feel having a little break. From time to time I wonder if I'm ever going to want to get back into it. But surely that is rational. So far my experience of fertility treatment is fairly traumatic, both physically and emotionally.
So let me tell you about my weekend - that I thoroughly enjoyed - and on several occasions I thought well I wouldn't be able to do this if we had kids. After Friday night at the footy I stayed up until midnight reading a book, therefore Saturday started with a sleep in! When I finally got up and I had a leisurely breakfast, I then promptly went back to bed to read more book! In the afternoon I broke it up a bit by watching a couple of episodes of a tv series with Matty, before heading back to bed to finish off the book. Saturday night was birthday party time for my sister and her flat mate. Instead of being restrained and going home early I a had a few (too many) drinks and eventually crawled under the covers at 2.45am. Sunday was steady, but I had a lovely catch up with a friend where I didn't look at the clock once, because I didn't have a schedule I needed to stick to whatsoever!
I do have good days even weeks, I just don't write about it much.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Coping strategies: Prepare me for another roll of the dice
Yep, that's right, I signed up to do a mini triathlon.
Regular readers, and those that know me, will know I do not have the body of a triathlete. Far from it. So why am I doing this triathlon?
In February we had our catch up with the fertility specialist to go over the latest pregnancy loss and talk about our next steps. It was another tough appointment. Once again the specialist wanted to revisit all the pregnancies and subsequent losses.
The surprising news to us is that the specialist believes we have an excellent prognosis, with really shit luck. Basically, four out of the five of our pregnancy losses have been completely random events, that can happen to anyone. To have them happen to us, four times, is unlucky (and in the case of the heterotopic pregnancy rare and unlucky). These were the ectopic pregnancies and the 2 trisomy miscarriages. Our most recent miscarriage is the only loss that wasn't completely random or unrelated to anything specifically to do with us. They don't know what caused it, but it was definitely something to do with us - our genetics.
The specialist also explains that our cohort of embryos is the best he's seen in years. They were all such high quality and we were lucky enough to make so many in our full IVF round (a luxury I particularly appreciate knowing how hard many of my other infertile friends find it to get quality embryos).
So I'm sitting there crying wondering if I can go on with it, while I have five 4 cell, grade 4 (on a scale of 0-5 with 5 being the best) embryos on ice. Meanwhile my specialist is saying I'm almost a best case scenario and would be mad not to go on.
Well, it still doesn't feel that way. It feels like the impossible.
It hurt a little bit, but Matt asked about my weight and whether it is worth taking a break and losing more of it. It hurts because it is not like I haven't wondered myself if it really is just my weight that is stopping us from succeeding in this venture and to know that it is clearly playing on Matt's mind. It hurts because of the stupid Biggest Loser story line about single Brenda whose partner left her because they failed to have children. It hurts because we started to trying to have a child over three years ago and I know if I'd just had any ability to think long term in those three years I could have lost a lot more weight - my sister is tribute to that.
In the same amount of time I've been trying to have a baby my sister has lost an extraordinary 55kg and is still committed to getting the last 8kgs off. I on the other hand have lost 7kgs, gained 8kgs, lost 7kgs, gained 2kgs, lost 5kgs, gained 6kgs, lost 7kgs and so on... I can pick the pattern to it - leading up transfers I lose weight, following pregnancy loss I gain it. My emotions are playing a strong role, as they always have, in my weight management.
My specialist is a tubby fellow and appreciates that for those of us that carry the extra kilos how hard it is to shake. He confessed that he'd given up chocolate in 2012. He also again tells us that any weight off will help, not just in getting pregnant, but in general pregnancy health and baby health. Small numbers help, even just a couple of kilos. He is very clear that given my age it is not worth taking a long break to lose a large amount of weight as the advantage of the weight loss will be undone by the disadvantage of being too old. Ughhhh. He says I can get back into transfers after I have my next period, but to take a break if I need it, but not for too long. He also, for the first time, recommends I see one of the Queensland Fertility Group psychologists given the difficulty I'm having deciding, but also because I am going be extremely anxious when I do get pregnant. This I am of course already incredibly aware of.
It is hard because it feels like my weight is the only factor the specialists can suggest could make a difference to our achieving a healthy pregnancy.
I need to stop thinking month to month, cycle to cycle and start thinking in longer units of time. I decide I need to start planning for things that are months off and stop just thinking about getting ready for the next transfer. I decide I should set a weight loss goal for the short term (4 kgs before a family wedding) and the longer term (10 kgs before my birthday in July).
With my new resolve I set my alarm to get up the next morning and go for a walk. When the alarm goes off I quickly switch it off, ignore it and roll over. A classic problem for me. Motivated the night before, zero motivation when I have to implement the plan.
I mention my lack of motivation to a work colleague who has gone triathlon mad and she suggests I sign up for the BRW corporate triathlon. It is a short triathlon, with only a 400 metre swim, 10km bike ride and 4km run. Despite having almost no running ability I decide I should do it.
As it turns out being signed up and committed to the triathlon is just the motivation I needed and I actually jump out of bed when the alarm goes off. I've been training for about 4 weeks and there are 4 more weeks to race day. I'm not going to win the race, but I certainly am improving my fitness and dropping a few kilograms to boot. I'm actually enjoying doing a the mix of training. We bought new bikes and Matt and I have been enjoying regular bike rides. We both hate running, and since Matt doesn't have a weight problem nor need to run a triathlon in a few weeks he has now given up getting up for running training sessions. I've been fitting in 1 swim a week.
The triathlon has given me a different goal to focus on. My health and fitness and running the best time I can in the event. The baby making mission is still the motivator behind it, but I'm going to wait until after the triathlon to do our next embryo transfer.
I'm also letting myself let me hair down a little over easter. I'm going to enjoy a few drinks and chocolate and then from next week I'm getting back on the wagon to make the most out of my last few weeks of training.
In May we plan to roll the dice again, and give baby making a chance.
Regular readers, and those that know me, will know I do not have the body of a triathlete. Far from it. So why am I doing this triathlon?
In February we had our catch up with the fertility specialist to go over the latest pregnancy loss and talk about our next steps. It was another tough appointment. Once again the specialist wanted to revisit all the pregnancies and subsequent losses.
The surprising news to us is that the specialist believes we have an excellent prognosis, with really shit luck. Basically, four out of the five of our pregnancy losses have been completely random events, that can happen to anyone. To have them happen to us, four times, is unlucky (and in the case of the heterotopic pregnancy rare and unlucky). These were the ectopic pregnancies and the 2 trisomy miscarriages. Our most recent miscarriage is the only loss that wasn't completely random or unrelated to anything specifically to do with us. They don't know what caused it, but it was definitely something to do with us - our genetics.
The specialist also explains that our cohort of embryos is the best he's seen in years. They were all such high quality and we were lucky enough to make so many in our full IVF round (a luxury I particularly appreciate knowing how hard many of my other infertile friends find it to get quality embryos).
So I'm sitting there crying wondering if I can go on with it, while I have five 4 cell, grade 4 (on a scale of 0-5 with 5 being the best) embryos on ice. Meanwhile my specialist is saying I'm almost a best case scenario and would be mad not to go on.
Well, it still doesn't feel that way. It feels like the impossible.
It hurt a little bit, but Matt asked about my weight and whether it is worth taking a break and losing more of it. It hurts because it is not like I haven't wondered myself if it really is just my weight that is stopping us from succeeding in this venture and to know that it is clearly playing on Matt's mind. It hurts because of the stupid Biggest Loser story line about single Brenda whose partner left her because they failed to have children. It hurts because we started to trying to have a child over three years ago and I know if I'd just had any ability to think long term in those three years I could have lost a lot more weight - my sister is tribute to that.
In the same amount of time I've been trying to have a baby my sister has lost an extraordinary 55kg and is still committed to getting the last 8kgs off. I on the other hand have lost 7kgs, gained 8kgs, lost 7kgs, gained 2kgs, lost 5kgs, gained 6kgs, lost 7kgs and so on... I can pick the pattern to it - leading up transfers I lose weight, following pregnancy loss I gain it. My emotions are playing a strong role, as they always have, in my weight management.
My specialist is a tubby fellow and appreciates that for those of us that carry the extra kilos how hard it is to shake. He confessed that he'd given up chocolate in 2012. He also again tells us that any weight off will help, not just in getting pregnant, but in general pregnancy health and baby health. Small numbers help, even just a couple of kilos. He is very clear that given my age it is not worth taking a long break to lose a large amount of weight as the advantage of the weight loss will be undone by the disadvantage of being too old. Ughhhh. He says I can get back into transfers after I have my next period, but to take a break if I need it, but not for too long. He also, for the first time, recommends I see one of the Queensland Fertility Group psychologists given the difficulty I'm having deciding, but also because I am going be extremely anxious when I do get pregnant. This I am of course already incredibly aware of.
It is hard because it feels like my weight is the only factor the specialists can suggest could make a difference to our achieving a healthy pregnancy.
I need to stop thinking month to month, cycle to cycle and start thinking in longer units of time. I decide I need to start planning for things that are months off and stop just thinking about getting ready for the next transfer. I decide I should set a weight loss goal for the short term (4 kgs before a family wedding) and the longer term (10 kgs before my birthday in July).
With my new resolve I set my alarm to get up the next morning and go for a walk. When the alarm goes off I quickly switch it off, ignore it and roll over. A classic problem for me. Motivated the night before, zero motivation when I have to implement the plan.
I mention my lack of motivation to a work colleague who has gone triathlon mad and she suggests I sign up for the BRW corporate triathlon. It is a short triathlon, with only a 400 metre swim, 10km bike ride and 4km run. Despite having almost no running ability I decide I should do it.
As it turns out being signed up and committed to the triathlon is just the motivation I needed and I actually jump out of bed when the alarm goes off. I've been training for about 4 weeks and there are 4 more weeks to race day. I'm not going to win the race, but I certainly am improving my fitness and dropping a few kilograms to boot. I'm actually enjoying doing a the mix of training. We bought new bikes and Matt and I have been enjoying regular bike rides. We both hate running, and since Matt doesn't have a weight problem nor need to run a triathlon in a few weeks he has now given up getting up for running training sessions. I've been fitting in 1 swim a week.
The triathlon has given me a different goal to focus on. My health and fitness and running the best time I can in the event. The baby making mission is still the motivator behind it, but I'm going to wait until after the triathlon to do our next embryo transfer.
I'm also letting myself let me hair down a little over easter. I'm going to enjoy a few drinks and chocolate and then from next week I'm getting back on the wagon to make the most out of my last few weeks of training.
In May we plan to roll the dice again, and give baby making a chance.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The baby making mission break
I know, I've been skiving on the blog. I've been thinking about writing an update for ages and yesterday I read an article in the Australian Magazine that motivated me to get back to it. It was an heartbreaking story about a woman whose 3rd child was stillborn. This woman was a writer herself and had at other hard times in her life turned to books to help her, however after her terrible loss, no book was hitting the mark. In the end she went online, where she found the community of bloggers and in the rawness of their stories she found connections to real people, like herself and finally began to recover.
Her story reminded me why I started writing the blog in the first place. I'd looked for useful information online, but nothing was helping me. I wanted facts and emotion, not just medical information. Once I started writing the blog, I found other blogs, other very sad stories and stories of triumph against the odds. I have cried and laughed reading of the hardships of others and got new perspectives on my own troubles.
My blog has helped me recover from our many pregnancy losses and perhaps in some small way it is helping others, who have their own hard story and find comfort and community in reading what treatments I am doing and how I'm coping emotionally.
Currently I'm the best I've been in years. I've now returned to work full-time and am again enjoying the challenge of my role. On the fertility front I'm taking a break. I'm looking down the barrel of my 37th birthday and trying not to let it rule me in decisions about trying to have a baby. Emotionally I've been through the wringer. In case you lost count, from February 2011 to February 2012 we lost 1 gallbladder, 2 fallopian tubes, 3 pregnancies and 4 babies. It is a lot to process.
I'm sitting comfortably with the decision to have a break. I think it will be at least 1 more full cycle before we sign up for another FET cycle. Right now I'm thinking a lot more about trying to survive my first mini-triathlon...
Her story reminded me why I started writing the blog in the first place. I'd looked for useful information online, but nothing was helping me. I wanted facts and emotion, not just medical information. Once I started writing the blog, I found other blogs, other very sad stories and stories of triumph against the odds. I have cried and laughed reading of the hardships of others and got new perspectives on my own troubles.
My blog has helped me recover from our many pregnancy losses and perhaps in some small way it is helping others, who have their own hard story and find comfort and community in reading what treatments I am doing and how I'm coping emotionally.
Currently I'm the best I've been in years. I've now returned to work full-time and am again enjoying the challenge of my role. On the fertility front I'm taking a break. I'm looking down the barrel of my 37th birthday and trying not to let it rule me in decisions about trying to have a baby. Emotionally I've been through the wringer. In case you lost count, from February 2011 to February 2012 we lost 1 gallbladder, 2 fallopian tubes, 3 pregnancies and 4 babies. It is a lot to process.
I'm sitting comfortably with the decision to have a break. I think it will be at least 1 more full cycle before we sign up for another FET cycle. Right now I'm thinking a lot more about trying to survive my first mini-triathlon...
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Getting on with it - again
For the last couple of weeks I've just been getting on with it. Back to work. Hanging out at home on the weekend. Planning our annual beach holiday. Even with the terrible sadness of this miscarriage, in just a couple of weeks it feels like another blip and everything is again about next time.
I was so quickly getting back to normal that I almost forgot to follow up the results of the miscarriage to see if they could identify the cause. I did eventually remember and was a little surprised to hear that this time it wasn't trisomy. My fertility specialist explained it was probably still a genetic defect, but that looking for chromosome problems is like walking down the street and looking at houses to see which one isn't quite right, where as a genetic defect is like trying to find a faulty toaster in one of the houses, only you don't know what house has it, or what appliance is faulty. Basically, it is really hard to know where to look to find the problem, unless you know what you are looking for.
I decided I don't care. There is nothing I can do about it. Apparently some people find this result terrible unsatisfying. I however find the whole failing to successfully have a baby is a lot more dissatisfying, and can't see the point in dwelling on a faulty toaster.
I've made an appointment for Matt and I to go and see the specialist together toward the end of the month to discuss our best options at this point. We still have 5 frozen embryos, so I suspect it will simply be a case of transferring those, until:
a - we actually have a baby (which in my mind feels so strangely unachievable for a couple that appear exceptionally capable of getting pregnant) or
b - run out of embryos and need to decide if we will make more embryos.
Maybe I'll try and lose some more weight... Don't know that this will make any difference given that getting pregnant doesn't appear to be our problem. [On a side note - that damn biggest loser story line with Brenda trying to get pregnant for 8 years and her partner leaving her to start a family with someone else has been absolutely horrifying to me - so much so I can't watch the show - perhaps for another a post]
Next time perhaps we will be lucky. Next time maybe the embryo/s will be perfect and will develop as they should. Next time, next time....
I was so quickly getting back to normal that I almost forgot to follow up the results of the miscarriage to see if they could identify the cause. I did eventually remember and was a little surprised to hear that this time it wasn't trisomy. My fertility specialist explained it was probably still a genetic defect, but that looking for chromosome problems is like walking down the street and looking at houses to see which one isn't quite right, where as a genetic defect is like trying to find a faulty toaster in one of the houses, only you don't know what house has it, or what appliance is faulty. Basically, it is really hard to know where to look to find the problem, unless you know what you are looking for.
I decided I don't care. There is nothing I can do about it. Apparently some people find this result terrible unsatisfying. I however find the whole failing to successfully have a baby is a lot more dissatisfying, and can't see the point in dwelling on a faulty toaster.
I've made an appointment for Matt and I to go and see the specialist together toward the end of the month to discuss our best options at this point. We still have 5 frozen embryos, so I suspect it will simply be a case of transferring those, until:
a - we actually have a baby (which in my mind feels so strangely unachievable for a couple that appear exceptionally capable of getting pregnant) or
b - run out of embryos and need to decide if we will make more embryos.
Maybe I'll try and lose some more weight... Don't know that this will make any difference given that getting pregnant doesn't appear to be our problem. [On a side note - that damn biggest loser story line with Brenda trying to get pregnant for 8 years and her partner leaving her to start a family with someone else has been absolutely horrifying to me - so much so I can't watch the show - perhaps for another a post]
Next time perhaps we will be lucky. Next time maybe the embryo/s will be perfect and will develop as they should. Next time, next time....
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Hospital days
Hospital days are never fun. They generally start with no food or drink, which for me is never a preferred way to start the day.
On Friday morning I thought a lot about the first time we were going in for a curette. I felt a lot like I did the first time, the suddenness and unexpected nature of the diagnosis were just like the first time. It was August 2009 - I remembered as I was being wheeled into theatre the anaesthetist was with me. Big tears were welling up in my eyes and began sliding down my cheeks. He looked at me and asked something along of the lines of "what's wrong? are you scared?" I told him I was sad. The anaesthetist had nothing to say to that. I also remembered when I woke up the first thing I did was start to cry. At least the nurses in recovery were a little more aware of why I might be crying.
Today I didn't want to cry so much. I'm not sure if that is healthy goal, however I knew that not being able to control my emotions in the setting of QFG day theatre was going to be very uncomfortable for a lot people, including myself. At QFG you wait for the short while before your surgery in a joint waiting room. I've waited in there before egg pick up, before 3 embryo transfers and now 2 curettes. It is a mixed bag of people, some are there for wrist surgery. A crying person would really stress everyone out.
On admission to the day theatre the nurse has to ask me all the questions again about how many times have I been pregnant - how many children - any live births - etc. Attempts to not cry fail at the first step. You see, I've already had to write all this down on the admission forms in the morning. I had to go through it with the new obstetrician yesterday. It's a horrible story and it is our life. I cover my face. Matt starts to give the answers. I pull it together and proceed with the blood pressure and pulse tests. The nurse says I'll benefit from having a good sleep, I deserve a good sleep. It takes me a while to realise she means, assisted by anaesthetic sleep.
Matt and I part ways - I'm going up to the open waiting room, he is going home to wait for the call to come and pick me up. Deep breathes. I must calm down. I am calming down. There is nothing to be done for it, it is over, I must deal with this. I can cope with this. This isn't the end of the world. Life goes on. Matt and I will go on. We will have more chances. I don't know what to do, but uncertainty is just a part of it for us. There will be other opportunities. Deep breathes. Be calm.
Before the surgery I am calm. I meet the anaesthetist, the doctor is there, I'm walking into the operating theatre. As per usual my veins are impossible to find. A jab here, a jab there, another jab and another, and finally I feel the anaesthetic taking hold. I'm breathing in the oxygen. I'm out.
I wake up in recovery. I don't feel too bad. I'm a little sore, but nothing unmanageable. It takes me about an hour from the time I realise I'm awake to being functional. They ring Matt to come in to get me. I get up and get dressed and happily chomp down my hospital sandwiches and ginger ale.
Warning - at this point I hit some fairly gross stuff - so tune out if you don't enjoy the gross bits.
When Matt gets there I've already been through the discharge process so we can head off straight away. I'm pretty slow on my feet as we make our way to the car. On the way home we decide to stop and rent some DVDs. We are in the video store for about 2 minutes when I realise I'm feeling wet around my crotch. I touch my pants and my fingers are covered in blood. I call out for Matt, I show him the fingers. He says holy crap. I've got to get out of here. Matt unlocks the car - I shuffle out and find a grocery bag to sit on in the car. Matt has quickly rented the videos we had in our hands. I tell him I'm not sure what has caused the overflow. I'm wearing a hospital issue surf board size pad. I wonder if it has had an absorbency problem.
In a flash we are home and I am shuffling inside with my grocery bag. I throw the bag in the bin and shuffle to the bathroom. I want to jump into the shower without leaking on the floor. In the end I have no choice but to get with my pants on. When I take them off a massive blood clot hits the shower floor. It is clogging the shower. The hospital issue surf board size pad had no chance of dealing with this! I'm try to pick it up. It is massive. It is the size of my hand and 1cm thick in parts. More, smaller clots are coming out. This is really disgusting and again, I need Matt's help. I ask Matt to bring me a zip lock bag for the clots - they are so big I'm wondering if they are the placenta. I ask Matt to pop them in the fridge until I can speak to the doctor. Poor Matt. This is so gross and he is fully taking it in his stride. When I ask him to put the clots in the fridge his face is a little grossed out. So I suggest they go in a non see-through bag.
It didn't take long and the heavy flow issue passed. I rang the obstetrician and she asked me to lie back down again for a half hour or so and then get up again and see if the issue repeats itself. It seems she expected these types of clots would have passed before I left the hospital, or have come out during the curette.
Matt pops back out to finish the things we were going to do on the way home and I rest up. The doctor rings me back and I tell her the bleeding has settled and there hasn't been any repeat of massive clots. When Matt gets home he takes my clothes and puts them in the wash.
All gross bits finished.
I feel a bit better after the curette. I'm still sad, but it seems manageable. Having a physical issue to deal with takes my mind off the mental side of it all. It is over.
On Friday morning I thought a lot about the first time we were going in for a curette. I felt a lot like I did the first time, the suddenness and unexpected nature of the diagnosis were just like the first time. It was August 2009 - I remembered as I was being wheeled into theatre the anaesthetist was with me. Big tears were welling up in my eyes and began sliding down my cheeks. He looked at me and asked something along of the lines of "what's wrong? are you scared?" I told him I was sad. The anaesthetist had nothing to say to that. I also remembered when I woke up the first thing I did was start to cry. At least the nurses in recovery were a little more aware of why I might be crying.
Today I didn't want to cry so much. I'm not sure if that is healthy goal, however I knew that not being able to control my emotions in the setting of QFG day theatre was going to be very uncomfortable for a lot people, including myself. At QFG you wait for the short while before your surgery in a joint waiting room. I've waited in there before egg pick up, before 3 embryo transfers and now 2 curettes. It is a mixed bag of people, some are there for wrist surgery. A crying person would really stress everyone out.
On admission to the day theatre the nurse has to ask me all the questions again about how many times have I been pregnant - how many children - any live births - etc. Attempts to not cry fail at the first step. You see, I've already had to write all this down on the admission forms in the morning. I had to go through it with the new obstetrician yesterday. It's a horrible story and it is our life. I cover my face. Matt starts to give the answers. I pull it together and proceed with the blood pressure and pulse tests. The nurse says I'll benefit from having a good sleep, I deserve a good sleep. It takes me a while to realise she means, assisted by anaesthetic sleep.
Matt and I part ways - I'm going up to the open waiting room, he is going home to wait for the call to come and pick me up. Deep breathes. I must calm down. I am calming down. There is nothing to be done for it, it is over, I must deal with this. I can cope with this. This isn't the end of the world. Life goes on. Matt and I will go on. We will have more chances. I don't know what to do, but uncertainty is just a part of it for us. There will be other opportunities. Deep breathes. Be calm.
Before the surgery I am calm. I meet the anaesthetist, the doctor is there, I'm walking into the operating theatre. As per usual my veins are impossible to find. A jab here, a jab there, another jab and another, and finally I feel the anaesthetic taking hold. I'm breathing in the oxygen. I'm out.
I wake up in recovery. I don't feel too bad. I'm a little sore, but nothing unmanageable. It takes me about an hour from the time I realise I'm awake to being functional. They ring Matt to come in to get me. I get up and get dressed and happily chomp down my hospital sandwiches and ginger ale.
Warning - at this point I hit some fairly gross stuff - so tune out if you don't enjoy the gross bits.
When Matt gets there I've already been through the discharge process so we can head off straight away. I'm pretty slow on my feet as we make our way to the car. On the way home we decide to stop and rent some DVDs. We are in the video store for about 2 minutes when I realise I'm feeling wet around my crotch. I touch my pants and my fingers are covered in blood. I call out for Matt, I show him the fingers. He says holy crap. I've got to get out of here. Matt unlocks the car - I shuffle out and find a grocery bag to sit on in the car. Matt has quickly rented the videos we had in our hands. I tell him I'm not sure what has caused the overflow. I'm wearing a hospital issue surf board size pad. I wonder if it has had an absorbency problem.
In a flash we are home and I am shuffling inside with my grocery bag. I throw the bag in the bin and shuffle to the bathroom. I want to jump into the shower without leaking on the floor. In the end I have no choice but to get with my pants on. When I take them off a massive blood clot hits the shower floor. It is clogging the shower. The hospital issue surf board size pad had no chance of dealing with this! I'm try to pick it up. It is massive. It is the size of my hand and 1cm thick in parts. More, smaller clots are coming out. This is really disgusting and again, I need Matt's help. I ask Matt to bring me a zip lock bag for the clots - they are so big I'm wondering if they are the placenta. I ask Matt to pop them in the fridge until I can speak to the doctor. Poor Matt. This is so gross and he is fully taking it in his stride. When I ask him to put the clots in the fridge his face is a little grossed out. So I suggest they go in a non see-through bag.
It didn't take long and the heavy flow issue passed. I rang the obstetrician and she asked me to lie back down again for a half hour or so and then get up again and see if the issue repeats itself. It seems she expected these types of clots would have passed before I left the hospital, or have come out during the curette.
Matt pops back out to finish the things we were going to do on the way home and I rest up. The doctor rings me back and I tell her the bleeding has settled and there hasn't been any repeat of massive clots. When Matt gets home he takes my clothes and puts them in the wash.
All gross bits finished.
I feel a bit better after the curette. I'm still sad, but it seems manageable. Having a physical issue to deal with takes my mind off the mental side of it all. It is over.
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