Well, a lot has happened since I last posted. No big surprise I guess when you take a 6 month blogging break.
The biggest news is I'm pregnant (I know - again) but this time I am seriously pregnant. Well, for me it feels seriously pregnant to make it to 17 weeks. That is nearly half way!
I will back post some updates about my second full round of IVF. I did an antagonist cycle, which was quite different to the long form synarel round I did first time around, so in the interest of continuing my commitment to providing factual information about the IVF process I will write up what was involved in the antagonist cycle.
The main reason my blog writing stalled was everything going on at work. For some time I had been trying to sign up to a redundancy package. The pressure of working for the same organisation through our ongoing IVF and six pregnancy losses just weighed on me and the temptation of a tasty pay-out and break was very strong.
Knowing a lot of my colleagues knew about my blog, I felt I couldn't write about my struggle with my work and my desire to leave our much loved organisation. After months of internal organisation discussions, and waiting, on 31 January 2013 I finally walked out the door of my permanent government job. I left behind much strived for job security and a great package (and an awesome maternity leave policy) with the loose plan of a three month break, before getting back into the job hunt, or setting myself up as a consultant.
The other reason I slowed down on the blog was that I simply felt a lot better. After years of stress, sadness and busyness, I made peace with our fertility / infertility stuff. I think the blog has played a big role in my ability to process the stress of fertility treatment. I also did a few sessions with a psychologist that helped a lot after our last pregnancy loss. I suddenly found myself more at ease with my pain, my sadness, my struggles and the tension slowly slipped away. I have a draft blog on these sessions that I will finish and post.
On 6 February 2013, just days after I finished work, we did another embryo transfer and were not surprised to have yet another positive pregnancy blood test on 18 February 2013. My three month break turned into my first trimester. Three months where mostly things seemed to progress well, but mentally to some degree I was still expecting to lose the baby.
Now I'm well and truly into my second trimester, I haven't worked at all through the pregnancy and I feel totally awesome. I would like to do some work to bring in some cash before the baby is due, but neither my husband nor I think it is worth me going nuts about finding work or working full-time and potentially putting unnecessary pressure on me or the pregnancy. We are so lucky the payout I received was substantial enough for me not to need to work for a long time yet, but I am well aware that any extra cash I earn now will mean the longer I can not work once we actually have a baby, or a new kitchen...
Baby's due date is 25 October 2013, which happens to be our fifth wedding anniversary.
Our next major obstetrics milestone is the 19/20 week morphology scan scheduled for 5 June 2013.
I can't believe my baby making mission blog will actually now get to cover my experience of pregnancy and not just pregnancy loss. All of these weeks not working I've had to blog and it has taken some time for me to feel positive enough to decide to get cracking with it again.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Starting from scratch
I'm back in the fertility specialist's waiting room. It's been two years since my first appointment here and despite how hard it has been, I'm much more at ease with my fertility issues.
Two years ago I wrote my Melbourne Cup blog where I had a mini break down in the specialist's office. Today the receptionist that drove me to tears that day is now on a first name basis and we casually chat about nothings. The baby photo wall, once known to send me into a spin of distress, is now not even background noise. I still hate baby photo walls but at least I don't want to stick pins through the baby eyes anymore.
I'm waiting to find out if there is anything I can do in advance of our next full round of IVF. If we can find out what might be the cause/s of our miscarriages. I know they might not be able to find anything. If they do it might not be treatable. Want to start the next round with as much hope and information as possible - and hopefully have the success we desire.
Two years ago I wrote my Melbourne Cup blog where I had a mini break down in the specialist's office. Today the receptionist that drove me to tears that day is now on a first name basis and we casually chat about nothings. The baby photo wall, once known to send me into a spin of distress, is now not even background noise. I still hate baby photo walls but at least I don't want to stick pins through the baby eyes anymore.
I'm waiting to find out if there is anything I can do in advance of our next full round of IVF. If we can find out what might be the cause/s of our miscarriages. I know they might not be able to find anything. If they do it might not be treatable. Want to start the next round with as much hope and information as possible - and hopefully have the success we desire.
Hideous baby photo wall
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Scanning
Well, I've been on holidays at the beach for the past 12 days. We holiday in a small beach side town each year. It is an incredibly beautiful part of the world. I had decided to take the risk and book in our first viability scan for the day we were leaving for holidays. I thought this showed great faith in that the pregnancy would be okay. If it wasn't okay, I planned to head to the beach anyway and drink myself into oblivion.
The scan was with our fertility specialist - the first viability scan. I've actually never managed to have a viability scan with him due to bad holiday timing over the past year. As it turned out, this time he was going on holidays for the same days as us, so we managed to squeeze the scan in.
I was a little disappointed with the scan. He showed us one baby, with a heart beat, right at the top of the uterus. He was pretty happy about it. He said "I'm not hearing any oohhhs and aaahhhhs". So he tried to hear the heartbeat. I tried explaining, it wasn't that we weren't pleased, it's just that we've seen a lot of tiny babies, that don't even look like babies, with heartbeats. He printed a picture for us.
I have grown to hate ultrasound images. I hate everybody's ultrasound images, not just my own. If a see a friend post their ultrasound image to facebook, I have to delete/hide the post. To me they just look freaky. So Matt took the picture. He thought his family might like to see it, I said "really, why would they want to see that?"
Due to my specialist usually being on holidays, our first scans have generally been with ultrasound clinics. These scans give you sooooooo much information. You get the crown to rump length, the heartbeat rate, the size of the gestational sack, the gestational age. So when the fertility specialist showed us a blob with a heartbeat and said it looked about the right size, I was underwhelmed.
As we were both about to head off on holidays the fertility specialist gave us a referal to get a diagnostic scan done, just in case anything went a miss during the week of holidays.
We packed the ultrasound referal in our gear and headed off on holidays hoping we wouldn't need it, but that wasn't to be the case. The very next day I had a pretty heavy bleed, dark red with little clots in it. I lost it. I was crying and crying. I just hate it. One day everything is 'fine' the next day, it seems like we are about to have another miscarriage.
The worst part is, there is nothing to do about it. You just have to go to sleep, get up the next day and somehow try to enjoy your holiday at the beach. The bleed was on a Saturday so we couldn't even go for the scan until Monday at the earliest.
So we soldier on. Force yourself to get outside and enjoy the beautiful place you are in. Try not to think about it all the time. Try not to let your bad mood spoil it for everyone else who is there.
On Monday we get the diagnostic scan. The baby is still there, but we are told it is only measuring 5 weeks and 6 days and the heartbeat is 96 beats per minute. Basically, the baby is more than a week smaller than it should be. The sonographer also told us that the heartbeat would preferably be over than 100. In closing, he said the pregnancy was viable at this time, but given the result no doubt another ultrasound will be needed in another week or two.
So the baby is small, with a slow heartbeat. The same sonographer gave us similar news last year with our heterotopic pregnancy, and that baby miscarried soon after. We don't leave with smiles on our faces. My husband says on the way to the car "We know how this played out last time, but I guess we just need to give the little trooper a chance."
We had a little more spotting over the next day, but for a week now I've had nothing. I've had not bleeding. I've also had no morning sickness or other symptoms that wouldn't be caused by the progesterone pessaries I have to use morning and night.
Our first appointment with the ob/gyn I chose for this pregnancy is coming up, so I haven't bothered following up with our fertility specialist about getting another scan. I have some hope - hey, maybe it will be fine - I really hope that it is. I also have some doubts.
The scan was with our fertility specialist - the first viability scan. I've actually never managed to have a viability scan with him due to bad holiday timing over the past year. As it turned out, this time he was going on holidays for the same days as us, so we managed to squeeze the scan in.
I was a little disappointed with the scan. He showed us one baby, with a heart beat, right at the top of the uterus. He was pretty happy about it. He said "I'm not hearing any oohhhs and aaahhhhs". So he tried to hear the heartbeat. I tried explaining, it wasn't that we weren't pleased, it's just that we've seen a lot of tiny babies, that don't even look like babies, with heartbeats. He printed a picture for us.
I have grown to hate ultrasound images. I hate everybody's ultrasound images, not just my own. If a see a friend post their ultrasound image to facebook, I have to delete/hide the post. To me they just look freaky. So Matt took the picture. He thought his family might like to see it, I said "really, why would they want to see that?"
Due to my specialist usually being on holidays, our first scans have generally been with ultrasound clinics. These scans give you sooooooo much information. You get the crown to rump length, the heartbeat rate, the size of the gestational sack, the gestational age. So when the fertility specialist showed us a blob with a heartbeat and said it looked about the right size, I was underwhelmed.
As we were both about to head off on holidays the fertility specialist gave us a referal to get a diagnostic scan done, just in case anything went a miss during the week of holidays.
We packed the ultrasound referal in our gear and headed off on holidays hoping we wouldn't need it, but that wasn't to be the case. The very next day I had a pretty heavy bleed, dark red with little clots in it. I lost it. I was crying and crying. I just hate it. One day everything is 'fine' the next day, it seems like we are about to have another miscarriage.
The worst part is, there is nothing to do about it. You just have to go to sleep, get up the next day and somehow try to enjoy your holiday at the beach. The bleed was on a Saturday so we couldn't even go for the scan until Monday at the earliest.
So we soldier on. Force yourself to get outside and enjoy the beautiful place you are in. Try not to think about it all the time. Try not to let your bad mood spoil it for everyone else who is there.
On Monday we get the diagnostic scan. The baby is still there, but we are told it is only measuring 5 weeks and 6 days and the heartbeat is 96 beats per minute. Basically, the baby is more than a week smaller than it should be. The sonographer also told us that the heartbeat would preferably be over than 100. In closing, he said the pregnancy was viable at this time, but given the result no doubt another ultrasound will be needed in another week or two.
So the baby is small, with a slow heartbeat. The same sonographer gave us similar news last year with our heterotopic pregnancy, and that baby miscarried soon after. We don't leave with smiles on our faces. My husband says on the way to the car "We know how this played out last time, but I guess we just need to give the little trooper a chance."
We had a little more spotting over the next day, but for a week now I've had nothing. I've had not bleeding. I've also had no morning sickness or other symptoms that wouldn't be caused by the progesterone pessaries I have to use morning and night.
Our first appointment with the ob/gyn I chose for this pregnancy is coming up, so I haven't bothered following up with our fertility specialist about getting another scan. I have some hope - hey, maybe it will be fine - I really hope that it is. I also have some doubts.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Preparing to feed the test obsession
A week or so ago I decided I would prepare for my upcoming series of home pregnancy testing.
I had lunch with my sister, who happens to be studying pharmacy and enjoys any reason to visit a chemist, so I asked her if she wanted to come with me to carefully study the pregnancy tests and make a selection.
It turns out she needed a real education. She was such a novice. I had to show her to read the packets, looking for those with the earliest detection chance, lowest HCG test. Then she kept picking up packets with one test only - what was she thinking? I explained if the test doesn't come in a 2 or 3 pack, I'm not interested.
After much researching I decided on First Response in stream tests. A 3 pack of course.
Because pregnancy just can't be a straightforward thang for me, on the same day I picked up the tests I noticed a little bit of spotting started. Pinkish.
Now, every other pregnancy this early spotting filled my heart with dread, however this time it was so early, only 6 days after transfer, I felt confident if it was anything, it was implantation bleeding. To me implantation is good news, so I surprising tolerated a little spotting with very little anxiety.
When I got home I told my hubby I was sure I was pregnant, but, that I was certain because I had the little bleeding. I was armed with tests and would start testing tomorrow morning. To my surprise he said, 'why don't you do a test now?'
hmmmm.... Now, I've blogged before about my pregnancy testing rules, one of which is only test for first thing in the morning pee, but here is my husband tempting me to break one. So, within in seconds I was in the bathroom peeing on a stick. I left the stick and went to get changed out of my work gear. A few minutes later I returned to check on the test and found the faintest of faint positive results.
I'm excited by the positive result, but let's face it, it is soooooo early, not even 4 weeks. My husband isn't so excited. He almost immediate slips to worry mode.
Last month when we did transfer and got a negative result he said it was a relief it was over, and we didn't have to go through all the waiting and worrying etc. I told him that I was going to be excited and try to pretend like it was the first time and we don't know about everything going wrong. We have to get a positive to get to a 6 week ultrasound, to get to a first trimester, to get to having a baby! The positive result is the first and necessary step to getting the baby, so I'm smiling about it.
We're back on track to mission take off.
I had lunch with my sister, who happens to be studying pharmacy and enjoys any reason to visit a chemist, so I asked her if she wanted to come with me to carefully study the pregnancy tests and make a selection.
It turns out she needed a real education. She was such a novice. I had to show her to read the packets, looking for those with the earliest detection chance, lowest HCG test. Then she kept picking up packets with one test only - what was she thinking? I explained if the test doesn't come in a 2 or 3 pack, I'm not interested.
After much researching I decided on First Response in stream tests. A 3 pack of course.
Because pregnancy just can't be a straightforward thang for me, on the same day I picked up the tests I noticed a little bit of spotting started. Pinkish.
Now, every other pregnancy this early spotting filled my heart with dread, however this time it was so early, only 6 days after transfer, I felt confident if it was anything, it was implantation bleeding. To me implantation is good news, so I surprising tolerated a little spotting with very little anxiety.
When I got home I told my hubby I was sure I was pregnant, but, that I was certain because I had the little bleeding. I was armed with tests and would start testing tomorrow morning. To my surprise he said, 'why don't you do a test now?'
hmmmm.... Now, I've blogged before about my pregnancy testing rules, one of which is only test for first thing in the morning pee, but here is my husband tempting me to break one. So, within in seconds I was in the bathroom peeing on a stick. I left the stick and went to get changed out of my work gear. A few minutes later I returned to check on the test and found the faintest of faint positive results.
I'm excited by the positive result, but let's face it, it is soooooo early, not even 4 weeks. My husband isn't so excited. He almost immediate slips to worry mode.
Last month when we did transfer and got a negative result he said it was a relief it was over, and we didn't have to go through all the waiting and worrying etc. I told him that I was going to be excited and try to pretend like it was the first time and we don't know about everything going wrong. We have to get a positive to get to a 6 week ultrasound, to get to a first trimester, to get to having a baby! The positive result is the first and necessary step to getting the baby, so I'm smiling about it.
We're back on track to mission take off.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
New cycle in full swing
Last week I started the official part of this cycle, blood tests. I was tested on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and then finally this Monday when I got the result I was looking for, I would ovulate on Tuesday. Yay! Last week I also had an ultrasound to check my uterus lining was the right thickness, and all was good in that in department.
And with that, our frozen embryo transfer has been scheduled for Saturday!
So, yesterday our embryos were going to be thawed. We've made the decision to have two transferred if we have two survive the thaw.
I've been feeling really positive and excited about the transfer, but this time is when I start to get a little tense. Now I have to see how our embryos are going. I literally just rang the lab to get an update on my embryos. Both embryos survived the thaw fully intact, however only one has started to grow. We have a 9 cell and a 6 cell, both grade 3 embryos. This is not the result I really want. I want to ring and hear - your embryos are awesome, they are growing like wild fire, they are babies in the making. Instead, I got, we are going to ring your doctor to see if we should thaw another embryo to be sure you have two to transfer.
Oh well, there is nothing to be done for it. We can only work with what we've got, and I can only hope that by Saturday there are still embryos to work with.
And with that, our frozen embryo transfer has been scheduled for Saturday!
So, yesterday our embryos were going to be thawed. We've made the decision to have two transferred if we have two survive the thaw.
I've been feeling really positive and excited about the transfer, but this time is when I start to get a little tense. Now I have to see how our embryos are going. I literally just rang the lab to get an update on my embryos. Both embryos survived the thaw fully intact, however only one has started to grow. We have a 9 cell and a 6 cell, both grade 3 embryos. This is not the result I really want. I want to ring and hear - your embryos are awesome, they are growing like wild fire, they are babies in the making. Instead, I got, we are going to ring your doctor to see if we should thaw another embryo to be sure you have two to transfer.
Oh well, there is nothing to be done for it. We can only work with what we've got, and I can only hope that by Saturday there are still embryos to work with.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Panic sets in and passes again
Exactly 2 weeks and 1 day after our first ultrasound I started to panic that our baby was going to miscarry or was already miscarrying. I had no cramping, no bleeding, basically I had no symptoms of miscarriage. However, I also suddenly had no morning sickness, my fatigue had dropped. I felt great and I panicked.
My fertility specialist is obviously used to his patients who have struggled through infertility going crazy and thought to send me two referrals for ultrasounds, despite only really needing the one to confirm the pregnancy at 6 and half weeks. I grabbed that second referral and booked in for another ultrasound to find out what was going on.
Last Friday Matt and I were super pleased to find out our baby was still there and kicking arse with a whopping 167 beat per minute heart beat. Baby (which I think is still technically called an embryo) measured 8 weeks and 1 day. While I had our numbers at 8 weeks 4 days, the sonographer assured us that in early pregnancy the days can commonly be out by up to 5 days.
I do wonder about just how accurate the measurement in ultrasound is. Apparently those little tiny babies, ours measured just 1.8 centimentres, can be doing crunches or stretching out, making their crown to rump measurement relatively shorter or longer. Then, what about naturally different growth? I wonder if our baby is more likely to be short, like me, rather than a tall, like Matt.
Over the past week my unpleasant pregnancy symptoms have remained at bay. Queasiness has disappeared altogether giving way to previously unknown urges to eat chips or vegemite sandwiches. Peeing in the middle of the night has picked up, making an uninterrupted night's sleep a thing of the past - which I understand is good practice for when the baby is born.
I am also having vivid dreams that I remember about nothing especially important. I had a very detailed dream about one of my colleague's hair. Last night I had a lovely dream where I was holding our new baby. I don't know if it was a boy or girl, but it was only a dream...
Right now I feel really positive about the pregnancy. I'm the most pregnant I've ever been and absolutely nothing is going wrong. I want to stay this way, excited, happy, confident. It has only been 6 days since the last ultrasound and it is three weeks until my first obstetrician's appointment. It seems like a long time to wait. I hope I will remain panic free and happy until then.
My fertility specialist is obviously used to his patients who have struggled through infertility going crazy and thought to send me two referrals for ultrasounds, despite only really needing the one to confirm the pregnancy at 6 and half weeks. I grabbed that second referral and booked in for another ultrasound to find out what was going on.
Last Friday Matt and I were super pleased to find out our baby was still there and kicking arse with a whopping 167 beat per minute heart beat. Baby (which I think is still technically called an embryo) measured 8 weeks and 1 day. While I had our numbers at 8 weeks 4 days, the sonographer assured us that in early pregnancy the days can commonly be out by up to 5 days.
I do wonder about just how accurate the measurement in ultrasound is. Apparently those little tiny babies, ours measured just 1.8 centimentres, can be doing crunches or stretching out, making their crown to rump measurement relatively shorter or longer. Then, what about naturally different growth? I wonder if our baby is more likely to be short, like me, rather than a tall, like Matt.
Over the past week my unpleasant pregnancy symptoms have remained at bay. Queasiness has disappeared altogether giving way to previously unknown urges to eat chips or vegemite sandwiches. Peeing in the middle of the night has picked up, making an uninterrupted night's sleep a thing of the past - which I understand is good practice for when the baby is born.
I am also having vivid dreams that I remember about nothing especially important. I had a very detailed dream about one of my colleague's hair. Last night I had a lovely dream where I was holding our new baby. I don't know if it was a boy or girl, but it was only a dream...
Right now I feel really positive about the pregnancy. I'm the most pregnant I've ever been and absolutely nothing is going wrong. I want to stay this way, excited, happy, confident. It has only been 6 days since the last ultrasound and it is three weeks until my first obstetrician's appointment. It seems like a long time to wait. I hope I will remain panic free and happy until then.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Excitement as a new cycle begins
Let's face it, I've had a crazy year. We've had a crazy year. Getting pregnant has been happening. Damn fallopian tubes have been a problem, but they are gone. I wonder about the babies that got stuck in the tubes, maybe they were okay, maybe they had the same chromosomal problems the babies that have miscarried did - I don't know. But surely out of eight shiny, beautiful embryos there must be a couple of good ones.
I've already started with blood tests, looking for ovulation this cycle. Based on the results that I'm getting, the fertility specialist thinks that is going to happen in the next couple of days and when it does, we are taking two shiny, little embryos out of the freezer.
Given our history, I don't think that both will take. All I want is one to do what it is supposed to do. And if somehow both stick, I'm ready to cope with double trouble. As ready as anyone - who has no kids and no idea just how hard that could possibly be - can be.
In the past couple of months I've been surrounded by people having babies, my neighbour, three of my work colleagues, my in-laws. I feel like I've cuddled more babies in the last month than I have in my whole life. And each cuddle seems to give me more hope.
I have such hope for this cycle I can barely contain it. Every once and a while I catch a glimpse of my own enthusiasm and I start to think about how having so much hope means I'm also potentially in for a big fall if it doesn't work. I'm throwing caution to the wind. I just don't want to put the breaks on my enthusiasm. I really want this cycle to work and I can't see any reason why it shouldn't, so why shouldn't I be hopeful, excited and positive.
All positive baby making vibes are welcomed over the next couple of weeks. :)
I've already started with blood tests, looking for ovulation this cycle. Based on the results that I'm getting, the fertility specialist thinks that is going to happen in the next couple of days and when it does, we are taking two shiny, little embryos out of the freezer.
Given our history, I don't think that both will take. All I want is one to do what it is supposed to do. And if somehow both stick, I'm ready to cope with double trouble. As ready as anyone - who has no kids and no idea just how hard that could possibly be - can be.
In the past couple of months I've been surrounded by people having babies, my neighbour, three of my work colleagues, my in-laws. I feel like I've cuddled more babies in the last month than I have in my whole life. And each cuddle seems to give me more hope.
I have such hope for this cycle I can barely contain it. Every once and a while I catch a glimpse of my own enthusiasm and I start to think about how having so much hope means I'm also potentially in for a big fall if it doesn't work. I'm throwing caution to the wind. I just don't want to put the breaks on my enthusiasm. I really want this cycle to work and I can't see any reason why it shouldn't, so why shouldn't I be hopeful, excited and positive.
All positive baby making vibes are welcomed over the next couple of weeks. :)
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