I've now ticked over the half way mark of this pregnancy. We've had no signs of trouble and I'm really excited about the pregnancy! I'm getting so much more joy and have so much less fear this time around. I know things really could still go wrong, but I'm just not worrying anywhere near as much.
We did our morphology scan last week. The baby look perfect! It seems we have won the baby lottery and are having a girl. I couldn't believe it when the sonographer said bubby was a girl! My husband and I (and my mother-in-law who will finally have a grand-daughter) are thrilled!!!!
B2 from this moment to birth, shall be referred to as mini morgy.
Big W are having a big baby sale right now and in a show of my much more relaxed approach to this pregnancy I actually stocked up on newborn nappies and infant girl nappies. I bought a couple of super cute newborn girl onsies too! I will be re-using most of our newborn stuff from first time around, but I had to get mini morgy a couple of special little outfits of her own.
A couple of weeks ago I felt mini morgy's first movements. Everyday these are growing stronger and more prominent. Can't wait until they are strong enough for my husband and son (who had no idea what's going on) to feel them.
I think being so busy with part-time work and the day-to-day coordination of a 16-month old is good for the pregnant woman. Too busy to sit and worry, but just enough time to enjoy the wonder that is having a baby.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Monday, September 16, 2013
Return to having an awesome pregnancy
It has been four weeks since our little pregnancy hiccup - the antepartum haemorrhage. Over the past couple of days I've noticed I've reverted to mostly feelings of excitement and joy in the pregnancy and now more than ever the impending arrival of our first child.
This week we had our fortnightly obstetrics appointment. It was another growth scan appointment where we checked in on how mini matty was growing. For the past 8 weeks mini matty has stuck to the same growth trajectory. Overall he is on the 75th-80th percentile. His weight is currently estimated at 2.6 kilos, which in the old money is around 5 pound 12 ounces. I finally remembered to ask what weight we could expect mini matty to be if we make full term. Of course this is only an estimate, but 3.6 - 3.8 kilos, which is around 7 pound 15 ounces to 8 pounds 6 ounces.
We have another obstetric appointment later this week to do an internal scan to check out what's going on with the placenta. Given the bleed 4-weeks ago, we need to see if the placenta is still low lying and going to cause any troubles for a vaginal delivery. I have hoped to avoid having a caesarean birth. I've had several keyhole surgeries through our baby making mission, I know I take a long time to recover from even simple surgery. Given this, I'd prefer not to have a major surgical procedure, if it looks as though we could safely have the baby the old fashioned way! However, I'm also all about safely having the baby, so that both mini matty and I get to go home. So if the obstetrician makes the call that caesarean is the best option for clinical reasons, so be it.
The past four weeks I've worked a lot less, finishing up my full-time contract and transitioning to a consulting job for one client, that is keeping me busy for up to 10 hours a week. I mostly get to undertake this work from home, so I am feeling very lucky and quite relaxed that I am still able to work, but don't have face the daily grind. I confessed to one of my colleagues last week that my enthusiasm for work has diminished in the past week. My heart isn't in it like it used to be. But the cash coming in is very handy, especially given our renovation plans!
Argghhhhh the renovation! The next three weeks there is a lot of work going on at home leaving us without a kitchen and laundry for two full weeks! We've also had to empty our two spare bedrooms so that asbestos can be removed from the wardrobes and new fitouts and doors be fitted in all three bedrooms. We have decided that since we needed to clear the rooms to have asbestos removed we may as well go all out and repaint and recarpet the rooms. I can't wait for it all to be done, but I'm also really hoping mini matty doesn't come early! All our baby stuff is stored in the garage, clothes, cot, change table, pram, sheets - I mean EVERYTHING we have for the baby.
I'm also not much help when it comes to the work of moving stuff, as I can't lift anything heavy, can't really bend over very easily and even being on my feet for any period of time leaves me with sore hips and legs! So I've timed the bulk of renovation work with my husband's upcoming two week school holidays. He is going to be flat out prepping walls, windows, cornice and skirting boards for painting in 5 rooms (our house only has 7 rooms and a hallway!) - and then painting. It will be two and half weeks (bringing me to 37-weeks pregnant) before the rooms will be repainted and carpeted and ready to move back into. Then it will be action stations setting up Mini Matty's room and getting all his linens and clothes washed!
I'm really getting why so many people talk about the final trimester being a drag. I've found sleeping is a lot harder, with a combination of sore hips, legs and knees, active night time baby, needing to pee and most recently reflux/indigestion. And - how hard is it to roll over! Day time has it own challenges, for example simple tasks taken for granted have become more difficult - tasks like putting on clothes, socks and shoes. I haven't needed help to do these things yet, but I'm certainly a lot slower doing it and make decisions on what to wear based on a level of difficulty in putting it on or taking it off. I've also discovered my first new stretch marks! I thought I was going to get off on the stretch mark front, but it doesn't appear to be so. Fingers crossed I don't get too many new additions over the next few weeks.
Despite all that I'm really enjoying being pregnant and pretty much celebrating every extra week mini matty stays in-utero. Watching my tummy undulate with a wiggling baby is probably my favourite thing - especially if someone else sees it too. Throughout this pregnancy I've often thought how rare being pregnant is, it is such a unique state that only women, and not all women, get to experience and only during a small window in their lives. I am grateful I have had the opportunity to experience it.
This week we had our fortnightly obstetrics appointment. It was another growth scan appointment where we checked in on how mini matty was growing. For the past 8 weeks mini matty has stuck to the same growth trajectory. Overall he is on the 75th-80th percentile. His weight is currently estimated at 2.6 kilos, which in the old money is around 5 pound 12 ounces. I finally remembered to ask what weight we could expect mini matty to be if we make full term. Of course this is only an estimate, but 3.6 - 3.8 kilos, which is around 7 pound 15 ounces to 8 pounds 6 ounces.
 |
| Just before our obstetric appointment at almost 34-weeks pregnant |
The past four weeks I've worked a lot less, finishing up my full-time contract and transitioning to a consulting job for one client, that is keeping me busy for up to 10 hours a week. I mostly get to undertake this work from home, so I am feeling very lucky and quite relaxed that I am still able to work, but don't have face the daily grind. I confessed to one of my colleagues last week that my enthusiasm for work has diminished in the past week. My heart isn't in it like it used to be. But the cash coming in is very handy, especially given our renovation plans!
Argghhhhh the renovation! The next three weeks there is a lot of work going on at home leaving us without a kitchen and laundry for two full weeks! We've also had to empty our two spare bedrooms so that asbestos can be removed from the wardrobes and new fitouts and doors be fitted in all three bedrooms. We have decided that since we needed to clear the rooms to have asbestos removed we may as well go all out and repaint and recarpet the rooms. I can't wait for it all to be done, but I'm also really hoping mini matty doesn't come early! All our baby stuff is stored in the garage, clothes, cot, change table, pram, sheets - I mean EVERYTHING we have for the baby.
I'm also not much help when it comes to the work of moving stuff, as I can't lift anything heavy, can't really bend over very easily and even being on my feet for any period of time leaves me with sore hips and legs! So I've timed the bulk of renovation work with my husband's upcoming two week school holidays. He is going to be flat out prepping walls, windows, cornice and skirting boards for painting in 5 rooms (our house only has 7 rooms and a hallway!) - and then painting. It will be two and half weeks (bringing me to 37-weeks pregnant) before the rooms will be repainted and carpeted and ready to move back into. Then it will be action stations setting up Mini Matty's room and getting all his linens and clothes washed!
I'm really getting why so many people talk about the final trimester being a drag. I've found sleeping is a lot harder, with a combination of sore hips, legs and knees, active night time baby, needing to pee and most recently reflux/indigestion. And - how hard is it to roll over! Day time has it own challenges, for example simple tasks taken for granted have become more difficult - tasks like putting on clothes, socks and shoes. I haven't needed help to do these things yet, but I'm certainly a lot slower doing it and make decisions on what to wear based on a level of difficulty in putting it on or taking it off. I've also discovered my first new stretch marks! I thought I was going to get off on the stretch mark front, but it doesn't appear to be so. Fingers crossed I don't get too many new additions over the next few weeks.
Despite all that I'm really enjoying being pregnant and pretty much celebrating every extra week mini matty stays in-utero. Watching my tummy undulate with a wiggling baby is probably my favourite thing - especially if someone else sees it too. Throughout this pregnancy I've often thought how rare being pregnant is, it is such a unique state that only women, and not all women, get to experience and only during a small window in their lives. I am grateful I have had the opportunity to experience it.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Holy pregnant - almost 25 weeks!
I have completely lost my blogging mojo and I'm missing sharing all the good stuff.
Funnily enough, I've gone back to work for few weeks and being busy during the day seems to make me able to achieve so much more outside of my work hours too. So while I'm on this roll with work, I'm going to TRY to get back to blogging about all the good stuff going on.
I think I am a really a very lucky pregnant person. I have felt well for all but one week of the 25 weeks so far. That one week in the first trimester I had a little nausea and a disgusting taste in my mouth, but then it stopped. Hooray! I've had no cravings and I haven't been off any foods either. I can still cook and eat anything I used to. I almost feel like I'm gloating, having heard so many other horror stories.
In the past couple weeks, corresponding with going back to work, I did have a bit of water retention, resulting in puffy feet and fingers, but this week that seems to have stopped. I hope it stays that way! I did start to think this must be the beginning of the bad stuff that comes with the pregnancy progressing.
Oh, and while I remember, I've also had sore hips a little bit. I noticed I can't sleep on one side for too long. Standing and walking around for long periods also plays with my hips. But then again, my husband also complained of having a sore back and hips after doing the pregnancy and baby expo, so maybe it isn't just a pregnancy problem!
About five weeks ago I started being able to feel our baby moving. How amazing is that! Over the past three weeks those movements have become quite strong and more spread out across my tummy, not just down low where I could initially feel them. The movements were finally strong enough I could feel them gently when I pressed against my tummy in the right spot, but I had the advantage of also being able to feel them on the inside.
About a week or so ago I commenced the process of trying to get my husband to be feeling at the right time. I think it was a little annoying and disappointing for him because he couldn't feel it. He is also worried about pressing too hard and hurting the baby. A few nights ago the baby was very, very busy and doing big turns. I had my arms crossed my tummy and felt it give me a shove. So I got husband's hand in the spot just above my belly button and it all came together at the right time and our baby gave two big kicks exactly where my husband's hand was. Again, it was just amazing! I was so thrilled that at last my husband could feel the baby.
We have our next obstetrician's appointment tomorrow. We are still only going every four weeks at this stage. I think this appointment will be about measuring the baby. Between 24 and 28 weeks is when they test for gestational diabetes and the measurements taken at the 24 weeks appointment are then compared with the 28 weeks appointment to make sure baby isn't growing too quickly. In between these two obstetrics appointments I will also be sent to undertake a glucose tolerance test. For those of you that haven't had the pleasure of doing one of these tests, they take blood after fasting, and then again each hour for two hours after I've consumed a measured amount of fizzy drink.
Being a heavier person to start with I have been quite careful about trying not to gain too much weight during the pregnancy. To date I've gained three kilograms and I'm hoping to keep my overall weight gain to under eight kilograms - this is within the recommended guidelines for someone with a higher body mass index at the start of pregnancy.
Early on I was worried that people would just think I was fatter, and not pregnant. I still think people who didn't know me would wonder "is that lady pregnant, or just fat?" I can really tell the difference as all my clothes don't fit around the waist! Personally I think I'm really beginning to look pregnant which is pretty fun. I've had to buy maternity wear in the past couple of weeks, and as it turns it, nothing makes you look more pregnant than wearing maternity wear.
One last awesome pregnancy thing, how good is my hair and my skin! My hair suddenly grew at light speed and looks beautiful. My face feels so smooth and soft - seriously people are commenting on how good I look.
Happy, happy pregnancy days right now. Here's to a continued healthy, trouble free pregnancy.
Funnily enough, I've gone back to work for few weeks and being busy during the day seems to make me able to achieve so much more outside of my work hours too. So while I'm on this roll with work, I'm going to TRY to get back to blogging about all the good stuff going on.
I think I am a really a very lucky pregnant person. I have felt well for all but one week of the 25 weeks so far. That one week in the first trimester I had a little nausea and a disgusting taste in my mouth, but then it stopped. Hooray! I've had no cravings and I haven't been off any foods either. I can still cook and eat anything I used to. I almost feel like I'm gloating, having heard so many other horror stories.
In the past couple weeks, corresponding with going back to work, I did have a bit of water retention, resulting in puffy feet and fingers, but this week that seems to have stopped. I hope it stays that way! I did start to think this must be the beginning of the bad stuff that comes with the pregnancy progressing.
Oh, and while I remember, I've also had sore hips a little bit. I noticed I can't sleep on one side for too long. Standing and walking around for long periods also plays with my hips. But then again, my husband also complained of having a sore back and hips after doing the pregnancy and baby expo, so maybe it isn't just a pregnancy problem!
About five weeks ago I started being able to feel our baby moving. How amazing is that! Over the past three weeks those movements have become quite strong and more spread out across my tummy, not just down low where I could initially feel them. The movements were finally strong enough I could feel them gently when I pressed against my tummy in the right spot, but I had the advantage of also being able to feel them on the inside.
About a week or so ago I commenced the process of trying to get my husband to be feeling at the right time. I think it was a little annoying and disappointing for him because he couldn't feel it. He is also worried about pressing too hard and hurting the baby. A few nights ago the baby was very, very busy and doing big turns. I had my arms crossed my tummy and felt it give me a shove. So I got husband's hand in the spot just above my belly button and it all came together at the right time and our baby gave two big kicks exactly where my husband's hand was. Again, it was just amazing! I was so thrilled that at last my husband could feel the baby.
We have our next obstetrician's appointment tomorrow. We are still only going every four weeks at this stage. I think this appointment will be about measuring the baby. Between 24 and 28 weeks is when they test for gestational diabetes and the measurements taken at the 24 weeks appointment are then compared with the 28 weeks appointment to make sure baby isn't growing too quickly. In between these two obstetrics appointments I will also be sent to undertake a glucose tolerance test. For those of you that haven't had the pleasure of doing one of these tests, they take blood after fasting, and then again each hour for two hours after I've consumed a measured amount of fizzy drink.
Being a heavier person to start with I have been quite careful about trying not to gain too much weight during the pregnancy. To date I've gained three kilograms and I'm hoping to keep my overall weight gain to under eight kilograms - this is within the recommended guidelines for someone with a higher body mass index at the start of pregnancy.
Early on I was worried that people would just think I was fatter, and not pregnant. I still think people who didn't know me would wonder "is that lady pregnant, or just fat?" I can really tell the difference as all my clothes don't fit around the waist! Personally I think I'm really beginning to look pregnant which is pretty fun. I've had to buy maternity wear in the past couple of weeks, and as it turns it, nothing makes you look more pregnant than wearing maternity wear.
One last awesome pregnancy thing, how good is my hair and my skin! My hair suddenly grew at light speed and looks beautiful. My face feels so smooth and soft - seriously people are commenting on how good I look.
Happy, happy pregnancy days right now. Here's to a continued healthy, trouble free pregnancy.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Oh where oh where have I been
Well, a lot has happened since I last posted. No big surprise I guess when you take a 6 month blogging break.
The biggest news is I'm pregnant (I know - again) but this time I am seriously pregnant. Well, for me it feels seriously pregnant to make it to 17 weeks. That is nearly half way!
I will back post some updates about my second full round of IVF. I did an antagonist cycle, which was quite different to the long form synarel round I did first time around, so in the interest of continuing my commitment to providing factual information about the IVF process I will write up what was involved in the antagonist cycle.
The main reason my blog writing stalled was everything going on at work. For some time I had been trying to sign up to a redundancy package. The pressure of working for the same organisation through our ongoing IVF and six pregnancy losses just weighed on me and the temptation of a tasty pay-out and break was very strong.
Knowing a lot of my colleagues knew about my blog, I felt I couldn't write about my struggle with my work and my desire to leave our much loved organisation. After months of internal organisation discussions, and waiting, on 31 January 2013 I finally walked out the door of my permanent government job. I left behind much strived for job security and a great package (and an awesome maternity leave policy) with the loose plan of a three month break, before getting back into the job hunt, or setting myself up as a consultant.
The other reason I slowed down on the blog was that I simply felt a lot better. After years of stress, sadness and busyness, I made peace with our fertility / infertility stuff. I think the blog has played a big role in my ability to process the stress of fertility treatment. I also did a few sessions with a psychologist that helped a lot after our last pregnancy loss. I suddenly found myself more at ease with my pain, my sadness, my struggles and the tension slowly slipped away. I have a draft blog on these sessions that I will finish and post.
On 6 February 2013, just days after I finished work, we did another embryo transfer and were not surprised to have yet another positive pregnancy blood test on 18 February 2013. My three month break turned into my first trimester. Three months where mostly things seemed to progress well, but mentally to some degree I was still expecting to lose the baby.
Now I'm well and truly into my second trimester, I haven't worked at all through the pregnancy and I feel totally awesome. I would like to do some work to bring in some cash before the baby is due, but neither my husband nor I think it is worth me going nuts about finding work or working full-time and potentially putting unnecessary pressure on me or the pregnancy. We are so lucky the payout I received was substantial enough for me not to need to work for a long time yet, but I am well aware that any extra cash I earn now will mean the longer I can not work once we actually have a baby, or a new kitchen...
Baby's due date is 25 October 2013, which happens to be our fifth wedding anniversary.
Our next major obstetrics milestone is the 19/20 week morphology scan scheduled for 5 June 2013.
I can't believe my baby making mission blog will actually now get to cover my experience of pregnancy and not just pregnancy loss. All of these weeks not working I've had to blog and it has taken some time for me to feel positive enough to decide to get cracking with it again.
The biggest news is I'm pregnant (I know - again) but this time I am seriously pregnant. Well, for me it feels seriously pregnant to make it to 17 weeks. That is nearly half way!
I will back post some updates about my second full round of IVF. I did an antagonist cycle, which was quite different to the long form synarel round I did first time around, so in the interest of continuing my commitment to providing factual information about the IVF process I will write up what was involved in the antagonist cycle.
The main reason my blog writing stalled was everything going on at work. For some time I had been trying to sign up to a redundancy package. The pressure of working for the same organisation through our ongoing IVF and six pregnancy losses just weighed on me and the temptation of a tasty pay-out and break was very strong.
Knowing a lot of my colleagues knew about my blog, I felt I couldn't write about my struggle with my work and my desire to leave our much loved organisation. After months of internal organisation discussions, and waiting, on 31 January 2013 I finally walked out the door of my permanent government job. I left behind much strived for job security and a great package (and an awesome maternity leave policy) with the loose plan of a three month break, before getting back into the job hunt, or setting myself up as a consultant.
The other reason I slowed down on the blog was that I simply felt a lot better. After years of stress, sadness and busyness, I made peace with our fertility / infertility stuff. I think the blog has played a big role in my ability to process the stress of fertility treatment. I also did a few sessions with a psychologist that helped a lot after our last pregnancy loss. I suddenly found myself more at ease with my pain, my sadness, my struggles and the tension slowly slipped away. I have a draft blog on these sessions that I will finish and post.
On 6 February 2013, just days after I finished work, we did another embryo transfer and were not surprised to have yet another positive pregnancy blood test on 18 February 2013. My three month break turned into my first trimester. Three months where mostly things seemed to progress well, but mentally to some degree I was still expecting to lose the baby.
Now I'm well and truly into my second trimester, I haven't worked at all through the pregnancy and I feel totally awesome. I would like to do some work to bring in some cash before the baby is due, but neither my husband nor I think it is worth me going nuts about finding work or working full-time and potentially putting unnecessary pressure on me or the pregnancy. We are so lucky the payout I received was substantial enough for me not to need to work for a long time yet, but I am well aware that any extra cash I earn now will mean the longer I can not work once we actually have a baby, or a new kitchen...
Baby's due date is 25 October 2013, which happens to be our fifth wedding anniversary.
Our next major obstetrics milestone is the 19/20 week morphology scan scheduled for 5 June 2013.
I can't believe my baby making mission blog will actually now get to cover my experience of pregnancy and not just pregnancy loss. All of these weeks not working I've had to blog and it has taken some time for me to feel positive enough to decide to get cracking with it again.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Feeling futile
Before it was medically confirmed, I was pretty certain this transfer cycle hasn't worked. I did 3 home pregnancy tests and all were completely negative.
I blew off the blood test wait and went in a couple of days early to simply get the result confirmed. And it was - negative.
Did you hear the sound of the twist top wine bottle opening?
I've experienced anxiety throughout the wait and while I have definitely been frustated about a the cycle not working, I have already decided to head straight back into another cycle.
Logically I know I just have get ready to try again, but this failure has me asking questions about just how much more of it we can take. I resent the money we've spent on numerous treatments and treating lost pregnancies. Tens of thousands of dollars that is just running through our fingers like water. I also resent that my career is stalling. Spending more, earning the same, going nowhere, with nothing but pain, heartache, scars and sad feelings to show for it.
With failure after failure you have to ask, when do you stop? When do you decide to just simply get on with your life? While I don't know the answer to this question I do know, it is not yet.
Three frozen embryos are still waiting to be used, and I intend to burn through them, before ploughing straight on to make more embryos (presuming we are able to replicate another successful stimulated IVF cycle) unless by some miracle I actually manage to get pregnant, and have a baby.
I blew off the blood test wait and went in a couple of days early to simply get the result confirmed. And it was - negative.
Did you hear the sound of the twist top wine bottle opening?
I've experienced anxiety throughout the wait and while I have definitely been frustated about a the cycle not working, I have already decided to head straight back into another cycle.
Logically I know I just have get ready to try again, but this failure has me asking questions about just how much more of it we can take. I resent the money we've spent on numerous treatments and treating lost pregnancies. Tens of thousands of dollars that is just running through our fingers like water. I also resent that my career is stalling. Spending more, earning the same, going nowhere, with nothing but pain, heartache, scars and sad feelings to show for it.
With failure after failure you have to ask, when do you stop? When do you decide to just simply get on with your life? While I don't know the answer to this question I do know, it is not yet.
Three frozen embryos are still waiting to be used, and I intend to burn through them, before ploughing straight on to make more embryos (presuming we are able to replicate another successful stimulated IVF cycle) unless by some miracle I actually manage to get pregnant, and have a baby.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The baby making mission break
I know, I've been skiving on the blog. I've been thinking about writing an update for ages and yesterday I read an article in the Australian Magazine that motivated me to get back to it. It was an heartbreaking story about a woman whose 3rd child was stillborn. This woman was a writer herself and had at other hard times in her life turned to books to help her, however after her terrible loss, no book was hitting the mark. In the end she went online, where she found the community of bloggers and in the rawness of their stories she found connections to real people, like herself and finally began to recover.
Her story reminded me why I started writing the blog in the first place. I'd looked for useful information online, but nothing was helping me. I wanted facts and emotion, not just medical information. Once I started writing the blog, I found other blogs, other very sad stories and stories of triumph against the odds. I have cried and laughed reading of the hardships of others and got new perspectives on my own troubles.
My blog has helped me recover from our many pregnancy losses and perhaps in some small way it is helping others, who have their own hard story and find comfort and community in reading what treatments I am doing and how I'm coping emotionally.
Currently I'm the best I've been in years. I've now returned to work full-time and am again enjoying the challenge of my role. On the fertility front I'm taking a break. I'm looking down the barrel of my 37th birthday and trying not to let it rule me in decisions about trying to have a baby. Emotionally I've been through the wringer. In case you lost count, from February 2011 to February 2012 we lost 1 gallbladder, 2 fallopian tubes, 3 pregnancies and 4 babies. It is a lot to process.
I'm sitting comfortably with the decision to have a break. I think it will be at least 1 more full cycle before we sign up for another FET cycle. Right now I'm thinking a lot more about trying to survive my first mini-triathlon...
Her story reminded me why I started writing the blog in the first place. I'd looked for useful information online, but nothing was helping me. I wanted facts and emotion, not just medical information. Once I started writing the blog, I found other blogs, other very sad stories and stories of triumph against the odds. I have cried and laughed reading of the hardships of others and got new perspectives on my own troubles.
My blog has helped me recover from our many pregnancy losses and perhaps in some small way it is helping others, who have their own hard story and find comfort and community in reading what treatments I am doing and how I'm coping emotionally.
Currently I'm the best I've been in years. I've now returned to work full-time and am again enjoying the challenge of my role. On the fertility front I'm taking a break. I'm looking down the barrel of my 37th birthday and trying not to let it rule me in decisions about trying to have a baby. Emotionally I've been through the wringer. In case you lost count, from February 2011 to February 2012 we lost 1 gallbladder, 2 fallopian tubes, 3 pregnancies and 4 babies. It is a lot to process.
I'm sitting comfortably with the decision to have a break. I think it will be at least 1 more full cycle before we sign up for another FET cycle. Right now I'm thinking a lot more about trying to survive my first mini-triathlon...
Friday, November 4, 2011
Work is just a necessary evil
This week I feel I could quit and never work again.
While I may have from time-to-time dreamed of being independently wealthy and not needing to work, the desire just to throw in the towel is a foreign feeling for me. I've always gotten some level of enjoyment out of my work. Right now my job is like a love affair turned sour - I'm going through the motions, getting the job done, but the passion has evaporated.
For a while there I thought it must have been the job so I was looking, looking, looking for something else. A new, exciting, less stressful job. This week the penny dropped. It's not the job, it's me. You see, I've gone crazy. Rational thought has left the head, all that remains is a relentless body clock ticking maddeningly chiming hourly "you need to get yourself a baby a get yourself on maternity leave".
I wish I could soak in the many thoughts and recommendations that everything will be fine and that we will have children and once we do I'll wish I hadn't wasted all this pre-children time being a nut case. While I don't mind people saying it and some days it may even make me feel better, most of the time it simply washes over me. It just doesn't matter how rational your arguments are, I can't hear you. You see, all I hear is tick, tick, tick. I think once you want to have a kid and you've had years of set backs, all the amount of rationality in the world doesn't help. I've actually gone crazy. Sorry. Rational discussion on the topic doesn't matter anymore.
When I think what would I do if I didn't work, the picture gets much worse. All that time to sit around and feel sorry for myself and think more about wishing we had children. No thanks.
I've realised it is more likely my personal dissatisfaction, versus my job dissatisfaction, that makes me not want to go to work. With this revelation I've come to a decision - I'm going to stop looking for, thinking about, applying for other jobs - and I feel really good about that.
Work is a necessary evil. Once I've got this part-time balance right, I'm sure it will be excellent. Just the right amount of distraction and time to do things I enjoy or that are good for my health.
I've also made another decision this week. As I'm clearly getting nutty again, I'm not going to wait to do my next frozen embryo transfer. I've spoken with my fertility specialist and he said physically there is no reason I can't try again straight away (I heard the subtext - but you may be getting a little nutty, so perhaps need to calm down a bit).
Nutty or not, I'm lining up again.
While I may have from time-to-time dreamed of being independently wealthy and not needing to work, the desire just to throw in the towel is a foreign feeling for me. I've always gotten some level of enjoyment out of my work. Right now my job is like a love affair turned sour - I'm going through the motions, getting the job done, but the passion has evaporated.
For a while there I thought it must have been the job so I was looking, looking, looking for something else. A new, exciting, less stressful job. This week the penny dropped. It's not the job, it's me. You see, I've gone crazy. Rational thought has left the head, all that remains is a relentless body clock ticking maddeningly chiming hourly "you need to get yourself a baby a get yourself on maternity leave".
I wish I could soak in the many thoughts and recommendations that everything will be fine and that we will have children and once we do I'll wish I hadn't wasted all this pre-children time being a nut case. While I don't mind people saying it and some days it may even make me feel better, most of the time it simply washes over me. It just doesn't matter how rational your arguments are, I can't hear you. You see, all I hear is tick, tick, tick. I think once you want to have a kid and you've had years of set backs, all the amount of rationality in the world doesn't help. I've actually gone crazy. Sorry. Rational discussion on the topic doesn't matter anymore.
When I think what would I do if I didn't work, the picture gets much worse. All that time to sit around and feel sorry for myself and think more about wishing we had children. No thanks.
I've realised it is more likely my personal dissatisfaction, versus my job dissatisfaction, that makes me not want to go to work. With this revelation I've come to a decision - I'm going to stop looking for, thinking about, applying for other jobs - and I feel really good about that.
Work is a necessary evil. Once I've got this part-time balance right, I'm sure it will be excellent. Just the right amount of distraction and time to do things I enjoy or that are good for my health.
I've also made another decision this week. As I'm clearly getting nutty again, I'm not going to wait to do my next frozen embryo transfer. I've spoken with my fertility specialist and he said physically there is no reason I can't try again straight away (I heard the subtext - but you may be getting a little nutty, so perhaps need to calm down a bit).
Nutty or not, I'm lining up again.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Back to life as we know it
A month has passed now since the curette and I'm in my fourth week back to work. I'm finding it hard to get the balance right with my part-time hours and my project's deadlines. Without a doubt I'm working less hours, so that's good.
What I've noticed over the last week or so is that I'm finding it really hard to get back on track with the discipline around what I eat and getting some regular exercise. On top of this, after months and months of not drinking, I've got a taste for post-work vinos again.
It seems that earlier in the year my motivation was the best chance of IVF success, then with the gallbladder issue I had no choice but to be good. My frozen embryo transfer cycle came straight after and I was still on roll at that point. Even when everything turned pear-shaped, I was doing a couple walks a day on the beach. The post-op infection led to a range of other problem that meant everything went straight through me. Now that discipline is required to keep the weight from creeping back on, and preferably still going down, I just can't find any. Everyday I wake up with the best intentions and nail it, until about 6pm and then there are snacks, desserts, wine and all things calorie laden. Urrrghhhhh.
Last week Matt and I discussed when we should try again with our next frozen embryo transfer. I've already reached the point of wanting to try again as soon as possible and Matt is happy to try again if I feel up to it. I can't remember when the fertility specialist said I'll be to do another transfer, but I'm hoping it will soon.
This part-time experiment was about being and feeling healthier but it just isn't feeling that way. I've even caught a cold this week making me feel more run down. I've been trying acupuncture and while I'm happy with the needle component, I struggle with the chinese herb and dietary recommendations (ie no dairy), so I'm thinking about dropping it.
I guess I feel uncertain, about work, about my health and about the chance of success with our next frozen embryo transfer.
What I've noticed over the last week or so is that I'm finding it really hard to get back on track with the discipline around what I eat and getting some regular exercise. On top of this, after months and months of not drinking, I've got a taste for post-work vinos again.
It seems that earlier in the year my motivation was the best chance of IVF success, then with the gallbladder issue I had no choice but to be good. My frozen embryo transfer cycle came straight after and I was still on roll at that point. Even when everything turned pear-shaped, I was doing a couple walks a day on the beach. The post-op infection led to a range of other problem that meant everything went straight through me. Now that discipline is required to keep the weight from creeping back on, and preferably still going down, I just can't find any. Everyday I wake up with the best intentions and nail it, until about 6pm and then there are snacks, desserts, wine and all things calorie laden. Urrrghhhhh.
Last week Matt and I discussed when we should try again with our next frozen embryo transfer. I've already reached the point of wanting to try again as soon as possible and Matt is happy to try again if I feel up to it. I can't remember when the fertility specialist said I'll be to do another transfer, but I'm hoping it will soon.
This part-time experiment was about being and feeling healthier but it just isn't feeling that way. I've even caught a cold this week making me feel more run down. I've been trying acupuncture and while I'm happy with the needle component, I struggle with the chinese herb and dietary recommendations (ie no dairy), so I'm thinking about dropping it.
I guess I feel uncertain, about work, about my health and about the chance of success with our next frozen embryo transfer.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Taking a step back
Most people who know me, know I work pretty hard. I am reliable. If I have a job to do, it gets done. I take my work very seriously and while I love to have fun at work it would never be at the expense of actually performing my role to the highest standard.
This year I've had two unexpected lengthy drop outs of the office for ectopic pregnancy surgery and recovery and one shorter planned drop out for my gallbladder surgery. I am grateful that because I have been a hard worker with the one employer for a long time I have a large sick leave balance, that even now (after 50 sick days since February) has a few weeks left in it. So I'm not on sick leave stressing about getting back to work for the money, I'm stressing about letting people down and not getting to complete things for which I was responsible.
With the curette confirmed I decide to meet with work and ask if I could return to work part-time. I feel so distressed about the idea of returning full-time to the same role. I just don't have the same stamina to manage the pressure of the day-to-day work load. I'm so lucky because I know just in my asking that my workplace will do practically anything to help me out. The Acting CEO is more than happy to arrange a 3-day week for me and to have me oversee a few smaller, special projects instead of the state-wide role I'd been performing.
Phew. It is a massive release to know for at least 3-months I will return to work only 3-days a week. More days off than in the office. Excellent.
The next day is curette day. It is uneventful, fast and painless when compared to every other surgery I've had in 2011. It is also sad. I remember my first one of these procedures I had back in 2009 when we lost our first pregnancy and I know I'm nowhere near as sad and that I'm emotionally dealing with this better. I guess so much has happened since then.
The following week I finally get to have a follow up appointment with my fertility specialist. It feels like months since I've seen him, but it only a few weeks. When he sees me waiting in his rooms he looks sheepish and says "I don't think I want to see you." I tell him too bad, that I have a massive list of questions so he is just going to have to suck it up. As we walk down the corridor he puts his arm around my shoulders and says "I'm so sorry".
I wasn't joking about my list - I had written one as I was worried when I got in there I would forget everything. The first thing he answers is the result of the curette. They test the products of conception to find out if there is a reason the baby miscarried. Like our first miscarriage there was a chromosomal problem, the fetus had two extra chromosomes. So it wasn't the drugs, or the surgeries, or the infections that caused the miscarriage, it was nature.
The rest of the list is pretty straight forward, except for my belly button wound - which is STILL OOZING! Not as badly as the initial infection, but just not healed. My specialist takes another swab and armed with the results of my blood cultures from when I was in hospital he send it off to be tested. He gives me a new antibiotics prescription that I am only to fill if he rings me with the result of the swab.
It turned out I was still infected, so I needed to go back on the antibiotics.
Now it is a waiting game where only my emotional health will determine when we get back in the IVF saddle. Thankfully there are eight little frozen embryos ready and waiting to be transferred, when I think I'm ready for another go. Initially I was thinking 3 months off, but we'll see... with no chance of natural conception, I think I will find myself wanting to get back into it sooner, especially while I'm able to take a step back at work and focus on myself for a while.
This year I've had two unexpected lengthy drop outs of the office for ectopic pregnancy surgery and recovery and one shorter planned drop out for my gallbladder surgery. I am grateful that because I have been a hard worker with the one employer for a long time I have a large sick leave balance, that even now (after 50 sick days since February) has a few weeks left in it. So I'm not on sick leave stressing about getting back to work for the money, I'm stressing about letting people down and not getting to complete things for which I was responsible.
With the curette confirmed I decide to meet with work and ask if I could return to work part-time. I feel so distressed about the idea of returning full-time to the same role. I just don't have the same stamina to manage the pressure of the day-to-day work load. I'm so lucky because I know just in my asking that my workplace will do practically anything to help me out. The Acting CEO is more than happy to arrange a 3-day week for me and to have me oversee a few smaller, special projects instead of the state-wide role I'd been performing.
Phew. It is a massive release to know for at least 3-months I will return to work only 3-days a week. More days off than in the office. Excellent.
The next day is curette day. It is uneventful, fast and painless when compared to every other surgery I've had in 2011. It is also sad. I remember my first one of these procedures I had back in 2009 when we lost our first pregnancy and I know I'm nowhere near as sad and that I'm emotionally dealing with this better. I guess so much has happened since then.
The following week I finally get to have a follow up appointment with my fertility specialist. It feels like months since I've seen him, but it only a few weeks. When he sees me waiting in his rooms he looks sheepish and says "I don't think I want to see you." I tell him too bad, that I have a massive list of questions so he is just going to have to suck it up. As we walk down the corridor he puts his arm around my shoulders and says "I'm so sorry".
I wasn't joking about my list - I had written one as I was worried when I got in there I would forget everything. The first thing he answers is the result of the curette. They test the products of conception to find out if there is a reason the baby miscarried. Like our first miscarriage there was a chromosomal problem, the fetus had two extra chromosomes. So it wasn't the drugs, or the surgeries, or the infections that caused the miscarriage, it was nature.
The rest of the list is pretty straight forward, except for my belly button wound - which is STILL OOZING! Not as badly as the initial infection, but just not healed. My specialist takes another swab and armed with the results of my blood cultures from when I was in hospital he send it off to be tested. He gives me a new antibiotics prescription that I am only to fill if he rings me with the result of the swab.
It turned out I was still infected, so I needed to go back on the antibiotics.
Now it is a waiting game where only my emotional health will determine when we get back in the IVF saddle. Thankfully there are eight little frozen embryos ready and waiting to be transferred, when I think I'm ready for another go. Initially I was thinking 3 months off, but we'll see... with no chance of natural conception, I think I will find myself wanting to get back into it sooner, especially while I'm able to take a step back at work and focus on myself for a while.
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