Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Close to tears

On Monday we returned from a 10 day break on beach. I definitely feel more relaxed and rested than when I left, but all this relaxing and recuperating has the disadvantage of giving me more time to think.

My first few days of holdiays I was still wondering "Am I pregnant?"...  I don't mind this time. Thinking and hoping.

Having had one pregnancy, I have experienced the early symptoms of pregnancy, so when I started to get sensitive nipples and sore boobs I try to not to hope too much. Having had these symptoms often since the first pregnancy, and not being pregnant, the best thing about getting them is I know the wait is coming to an end. Once these symptoms are happening I'll know I'm either pregnant or not in the next couple of days.

This month, once again the wish was soon brought to an end with the onset of my period.

I didn't dwell on it, but immediately kicked into the plan set for the next cycle. The fertility specialist had already told me to double my dose of clomid / serophene if I wasn't pregnant. I'd packed in readiness for the result and had my drugs on hand. Because I was away I didn't get the same blood tests done to confirm my period had started.  Once I thought my period had started in earnest I started taking the clomid / serophene.

I'm supposed to take it at the same time every day. I stuffed up one day and simply carried away with beaches and swimming, but still managed to take it within a couple of hours of the set time. I'm not worried about that as all the blood tests have shown I'm ovulating every month, so a think a few hours late on one day of clomid / serophene won't be a problem.

The five days of medication taking pass and I've done all I can do. Then the waiting begins. Waiting for the fertile window. Last month this was the peaceful time, this month not so peaceful. I start in on myself mentally, I remember every glass of wine, every late day in the office, every coffee, every unnecessary calorie, every gym class missed. Having the plan and everything in place simply delayed the anxiety. I'm on the edge of tears all the time. Almost anything could set me off.

Yesterday I went to work - one day in the middle of my holidays - to ensure everything would be in place for a big meeting I have on my first day back. I was immersed in busy-ness. Rushing to meet a deadline, try to purge some of the hundreds of emails in my inbox and get the presentations completed for next Monday. The busy-ness distracts me from all the worry.

I think the worry really doesn't help anything, but finding the off switch, other than work, is hard.

With Christmas holidays around the corner, I'm beginning to dread the free time and all that time to think.

Oh well, coming soon is my next fertile window and I'll have the week of hope and contentment.


  1. Morgana,

    After reading all your blog posts I just wanted to send you a big hug. I had no idea you were going through all this. I think you're so brave blogging about it all as well, and hope you find strength from it all. I knew someone else who went through all of this stuff, way back when this technology was all new. So I know how heart-breaking it can be.

    Sending you positive vibes.


  2. I am really feeling for you Morgana. It is so hard isn't it.

    We just went through our first IVF cycle and it didn't work - needless to say spend a whole day in tears. But back on the band wagon to try again next cycle with a frozen embryo.

    Have a lovely rest of your hols.

  3. I just think it's wonderful that you are sharing this with us all, because it brings everyone having trouble out of the woodwork. Reading Nicole's comment there, I know exactly how you feel, and I know that it's selfish, but knowing that we all share the same feelings each month makes it an easier burden to bear.

    I think it's hard too, because the support you get is the same thing every month, "be patient", "don't worry, it will happen" etc. Although people mean these things truly, it doesn't really make any difference for us. They feel like empty words.

    These days I am remembering that one more month is NOT the end of the world. And it isn't! When we are mothers of teenagers we are going to appreciate the extra month of not having an adolescent making our lives hell. What do you reckon!?

  4. Hi Morgy Reading your post and thinking of you and Matt and wishing there was a way to ease your minds. I'll definitely be checking you over at Christmas to find that worry switch and turning it off. Blaming yourself for living normally is so unfair - you would never be so hard on anyone else - but of course you already know that. Love always, Mommie dearest