Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Post surgery blues and brightness

It's been two and a half weeks since the surgery to remove my left fallopian tube, with ectopic pregnancy. I'm lucky they could perform the surgery laparoscopically, which means I don't have any big wounds. My doctor explained to me before I went in for surgery that because I have a little extra padding (yes, that's what he said) that it may not be possible for him to perform the surgery safely laparoscopically. If he couldn't it would have meant much more invasive surgery, a longer hospital stay and more painful recovery. So when I came out of surgery, I was pleased to find out laparoscopic surgery was possible.

I only had an overnight stay in hospital. By the time I got out of surgery and came to, it was late at night. Matt was waiting for me in the hospital room. The doctor had called him to let him know all had gone well through the surgery. I was zonked out, so Matt went home.

The whole process was very stressful him. My sister had visited in the hospital before the surgery and had organised for Matt to have dinner with her and wait at her place, which is only 1km from the hospital. Matt told me he was okay while he was with my sister and Aunty, but when he went on his own to pick up dinner, negative thoughts started to creep in. Surgery is inherently dangerous and Matt was worried something might happen to me.

Even with just three small wounds I did have a lot of pain for the week after the surgery. I had terrible bruising around my belly button (where the biggest cut is made) and on my arm from the anesthetist but by week two things were settling down. I still get a little twinge from time to time and I still have stitches. My anesthetist may have been rough with the needles, but he was also very generous with the post surgery drugs! He sent me home with the good gear which lead to a few zippy afternoons jumped up on prescription drugs.

As I entered the second week of my recovery I started to take less less pain killers and as I came out of the drug haze feelings of sadness overwhelmed me. I remember how devastated I was when we lost our first pregnancy and the sadness I am feeling this time around is very different. It is sadness about everything, I'm sad to still not have a child. I am sad about how hard it has all been. I am sad that I can't keep up with my work anymore and that for the first time in my life I've had to ask for some leniency as I step up my fertility treatments. I was just so sad.

Coming into week three the sadness is under control and I'm starting to get excited about the next step in our fertility treatments. I am hoping that having recently managed a natural pregnancy - that perhaps our chances will be better with a little medical assistance.

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