Monday, October 3, 2011

Now I know is it any easier?

I was pleased when I arrived for my blood test that no other ladies were waiting...speedy processing for me! Just as I jump into the chair the fire alarm starts to go off. Thankfully the nurse is as determined to get me through as I am and she brushes off the nurse that pops her head in the room to tell her to evacuate. In a  jiffy my blood is in a test tube and I'm out the door.

Once again I wait an hour and half and ring my fertility specialist's office. The receptionist has a look for my results - they aren't yet in the system but she goes looking on the fax. She comes back and says she needs to speak to the specialist about the results. I'm on hold for a minute and then she says "Congratulations, you are pregnant."

I'm pleased, but not overjoyed. Let's face it, this is my third congratulations, and still no babies. I ask what my HCG level is. It is 180. I'm happy with that (not that I really know what the number means). I'm instructed to go for another test in two days to check the HCG number is increasing as it should be.

Damn it, Matt is on camp. I try to ring him, but he is out of range. I leave messages hoping he will ring me back. I've got no one to tell. Matt and I have been keeping this cycle on the quiet and I don't really want to tell anyone until I've told Matt.

I secretly tell one person - Matt's cousin. She has experienced similar difficulties conceiving and has been especially supportive of our baby making mission. I also remember the words of a friend when I was stressing out about the last pregnancy. She said well shouldn't you just enjoy knowing you are pregnant now and worry about it if and when you need to.

The next day I'm my tiny bit of pregnancy joy is crushed by the sight of some light bleeding. I can't believe it - one day of enjoying it (kind of) only to start with the bleeding again. I tell myself to wait and see what the numbers say tomorrow when I get the second blood test. I remind myself a high number of pregnancies have bleeding in the early stages and try to calm down about it. Try to enjoy just knowing that I'm pregnant. Try to remember the first time, when I was genuinely excited at this stage and when the doctor told you spotting was normal and you believed them.

Matt rings me on Thursday night and I tell him that I'm pregnant. He is excited. And then I tell him that I'm spotting again. All Matt can say is "you're joking" and not in a ha ha kind of way.

On Friday I go in for my second test. Again when I ring the specialist my result is awesome with my HCG having more than doubled to 440. I speak to the specialist about the bleeding and he again tells me it is common and not to worry about it, unless it is gets heavier or comes with abdominal pain.

Matt gets home from camp and we decide that we will tell our immediate family - explaining that there is still a chance that there could be problems, but that the numbers look good. I can tell even they are getting used to the loss. They want to be happy for us, but we are all tentative.

The best thing for me about this pregnancy being IVF is that unlike my other two pregnancies, where basically there is no monitoring, an IVF pregnancy means I have access to as much monitoring as I can reasonably book. With my concern about the bleeding, my specialist sends me a fist full of blood tests so that I can get tests and check my HCG results as often as I need to keep my mind at ease. Also, it is standard to book an in rooms ultrasound with the fertility specialist for about two weeks after the blood test to make sure the baby is in the right place and hopefully see a heart beat.

Given my specialist has leave booked for when my ultrasound would be due, I'm scheduled to go in a few days earlier than is ideal. While I'm waiting for the ultrasound I get two more blood tests and my HCG numbers are kicking arse.

I'm definitely pregnant, but I don't feel great, and not in a morning sickness kind of way. Just more worry, new worry. I just have to hang in there until I can do the ultrasound and if that is good news, hopefully then I will be able to relax and enjoy it.