Thursday, August 9, 2012

Feeling futile

Before it was medically confirmed, I was pretty certain this transfer cycle hasn't worked. I did 3 home pregnancy tests and all were completely negative.

I blew off the blood test wait and went in a couple of days early to simply get the result confirmed. And it was - negative.

Did you hear the sound of the twist top wine bottle opening?

I've experienced anxiety throughout the wait and while I have definitely been frustated about a the cycle not working, I have already decided to head straight back into another cycle.

Logically I know I just have get ready to try again, but this failure has me asking questions about just how much more of it we can take. I resent the money we've spent on numerous treatments and treating lost pregnancies. Tens of thousands of dollars that is just running through our fingers like water. I also resent that my career is stalling. Spending more, earning the same, going nowhere, with nothing but pain, heartache, scars and sad feelings to show for it.

With failure after failure you have to ask, when do you stop? When do you decide to just simply get on with your life? While I don't know the answer to this question I do know, it is not yet.

Three frozen embryos are still waiting to be used, and I intend to burn through them, before ploughing straight on to make more embryos (presuming we are able to replicate another successful stimulated IVF cycle) unless by some miracle I actually manage to get pregnant, and have a baby.


  1. I'm so sorry! Hoping you can heal from any sadness and prepare for the next cycle. I don't know when to stop. I guess you'll just know when it's time? Jim and I were in disagreement about when to stop, but he was really uncomfortable trying again after our miscarriage. I took a lot of time to weigh how I would cope if it happened again, and decided I couldn't handle it. I guess you'll know when it's time, which sounds cliche and weird, but it's true. Good luck, Friend. Hugs!

  2. One of the blogs on your blog list had a very good entry on the 18th, and very good comments.

    1. I love the no kidding nz blog - thanks for the tip off on this great post. I'm a little self obsessed right now, and not checking in on my blog list very often, so I'm missing heaps of posts. This is one that was really good for me to read.

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